Gutenberg! The Musical! Soundtrack Album Lyrics

Gutenberg! The Musical! Soundtrack Lyrics

Andrew Rannells - Welcome to Gutenberg!
Andrew Rannells - Prologue
Andrew Rannells - Schlimmer!
Andrew Rannells - That was the opening number!
Andrew Rannells - I Can't Read
Andrew Rannells - That was the love ballad!
Andrew Rannells - Haunted German Wood
Andrew Rannells - Guess who's about to make a machine that prints books!
Andrew Rannells - The Press Song
Andrew Rannells - History!
Andrew Rannells - I Can't Read (Reprise)
Andrew Rannells - Have a biscuit!
Andrew Rannells - Biscuits
Andrew Rannells - This show is not about biscuits!
Andrew Rannells - What's the Word?
Andrew Rannells - And just like old wine... the plot thickens.
Andrew Rannells - Stop the Press
Andrew Rannells - Now anything can happen!
Andrew Rannells - Tomorrow Is Tonight
Andrew Rannells - Second Prologue
Andrew Rannells - That was a nightmare.
Andrew Rannells - Words, Words, Words
Andrew Rannells - Gutenberg needed to have a lot of fun.
Andrew Rannells - Monk With Me
Andrew Rannells - It's called a motif.
Andrew Rannells - (Might as Well) Go to Hell
Andrew Rannells - What if no one wants our show?
Andrew Rannells - Festival!
Andrew Rannells - Finale

Andrew Rannells - Welcome to Gutenberg!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG SIMON, spoken]
Okay, Here we go!

[BUD DAVENPORT, spoken]
Oh my God, I'm so excited...

[DOUG, spoken]
Welcome to Gutenberg!

[BUD, spoken]
Gutenberg: The Musical!

[DOUG, spoken]
My name is Mr. Doug Simon, and I am from Nutley, New Jersey

[BUD, spoken]
And I am Mr. Bud Davenport, also hailing from Nutley, New Jersey

[DOUG, spoken]
And we have written... a musical!

[BUD laughs]

[DOUG, spoken]
This... is what people like me and Bud call... a cast recording

[BUD, spoken]
Yes!

[DOUG, spoken]
Except... we don't have a cast

[BUD, spoken]
No! It's just me and Doug

[DOUG, spoken]
We're gonna perform all the roles, sing all the songs, and give you somе help to understand the potеntial of what we have written

[BUD, spoken]
I think the key word here is "potential"

[DOUG, spoken]
I also like the word "help," because, with any luck, we are going to take this show... to Broadway!

[BUD, spoken]
Our nation's capital!

[DOUG, spoken]
Yes!

[BUD, spoken]
Listening to this recording, as we speak, are some very big Broadway producers

[DOUG, spoken]
If you're hearing my voice and you are not a Broadway producer, we need you to find one and make them listen!

[BUD, spoken]
Tell them to listen and produce our show!

[DOUG, spoken]
Yes!

[BUD, spoken]
Please!

[DOUG, spoken]
Now, you're probably sitting there, thinking to yourself, "Okay, so you wrote a show--but what is it about?"

[BUD, spoken]
I don't know, Doug, why don't you tell us?

[DOUG, spoken]
Alright, I will! It's about Johann Gutenberg

[BUD, spoken]
Who's he?

[DOUG, spoken]
He is the guy who invented the printing press...

[BUD, spoken]
... and then printed up a bunch of copies of The Bible

[DOUG, spoken]
Yes, but what else did he do?

[BUD, spoken]
Well we did some research to find out

[DOUG, spoken]
Google! We typed in, "Johann Gutenberg," and printed out the first thing that came up, so... read it, Bud!

[BUD, spoken]
Okay... um, "Gutenberg, comma Johann...German printer...born around the year 1400, detailed records of his life and work are scant."

[DOUG, spoken]
Scant? Clearly, research wasn't gonna help us

[BUD, spoken]
So we took a different approach--historical fiction!

[DOUG, spoken]
Yes, but what is historical fiction?

[BUD, spoken]
It's fiction... that's true!

[DOUG, spoken]
Now, just before we get started, we want to take a second to talk to you about something pretty serious. Every important musical has to tackle at least one incredibly serious issue

[BUD, spoken]
Like racism...

[DOUG, spoken]
Homophobia...

[BUD, spoken]
Or a man with half a face

[DOUG, spoken]
Our show is set in Germany, so our serious issue is... Nazis

[BUD, spoken]
History, and every Indiana Jones film except for "Crystal Skull", tells us that Nazis are... not cool

[DOUG, spoken]
No, they are hateful and they are ignorant, and that ignorance is in this show

[BUD, whispering]
It has to be

[DOUG, spoken]
Because it makes our show... important

[BUD & DOUG, spoken]
Gutenberg: The Musical!

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Andrew Rannells - Prologue

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD as NARRATOR, spoken]
Prologue: lights rise on the squalid, stinky bedroom of a friend of Gutenberg's

[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
The roof is made of dirty thatch. In the corner, there are rats gnawing on stinky cheese; and, lying absolutely still, in the middle of the room, without moving, is a dead baby

[BUD as NARRATOR, spoken]
Gutenberg's friend and a doctor examine the dead baby
[DOUG as DOCTOR, spoken]
We did all we could
I'm afraid your baby is dead
[BUD as FRIEND OF GUTENBERG, spoken]
Dead?! But I gave him this medicine!
[DOUG as DOCTOR, spoken]
Them ain't medicine, thems jelly beans!
[BUD as FRIEND OF GUTENBERG, spoken]
Jelly beans? But I...
[DOUG as DOCTOR, spoken]
If only you could read... see ya

[BUD as FRIEND OF GUTENBERG]
Jelly beans... not medicine?
If only I could read
My son he wouldn't need...
An elegy...
Stupid beans! Not medicine!
Oh god, here in this jar
I can't read what these are...
Damn jelly beans....

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hello, friend! Is there anything Johann Gutenberg can do?
[BUD as FRIEND OF GUTENBERG, spoken]
Can you bring a dead baby back to life?
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I don't think so
[BUD as FRIEND OF GUTENBERG sobs]

[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
Friend of Gutenberg sobs like a woman. He cradles his dead baby in his illiterate arms
Blackout

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Andrew Rannells - Schlimmer!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
Act One, Scene One: Schlimmer, Germany. A German town full of German things, like sausages and short pants. Gutenberg walks down the dirt streets of this medieval 'berg and encounters a woman and her daughter on the way to market. They're carrying kraut--saur kraut
[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
Good morning, Mr. Gutenberg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Ha-ha-ha, call me Johann! Johann Gutenberg
[BUD as DAUGHTER, spoken]
Hello, Mr. Butengerg!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
It's Gutenberg. How are you today, little girl?
[BUD as DAUGHTER, spoken]
As happy as I can be... considering I can't read

[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
Another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
She dumps her stinky chamber pot
And suddenly, the town of Schlimmer is alive
Not alive like a monster
But alive like a town!

[BUD as WOMAN]
It's nice to live in Medieval Germany
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!
We all get along in perfect harmony!
[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
I'm a beef fat trimmer!
[BUD as WOMAN]
Hi!
[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
The beef comes in all white with fat
It leaves a good bit slimmer
[BOTH as DRUNKS]
We're just drunks comin' home from the bar
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!

[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Hey, Gutenberg, got any wine?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
You're the wine presser! Tell us where the wine is!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, is it over 'ere?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
It's not over 'ere!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, guys, my wine isn't the answer to all of your problems!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
[laughs] yes it is!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, drinking your wine is the only thing that makes our horrible lives worth living!

[BOTH as DRUNKS]
Gutenberg!
Darn tootin'-berg
He's the back chap around
Well, at least in this town
Sure as shootin'-berg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Call me Johan!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
Oh, that Gutenberg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I prefer Johann...

[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Gutenberg...
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, it's the boot-black!
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Shine your Boot-enberg?
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Well, sure, boot-black!
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
You're a man in your prime, making friends all the time, no refutin-berg! (spoken) Ten dockets!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, hey! Okay, fellas, I gotta be getting back to my wine press shop, don't you have anything better to do?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
No!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, It's not like we can read!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
Hey, you can't read!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
You can't read!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
You can't read!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
You can't read!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Woah, woah now--hey, hey, guys, guys! Don't fight! Why don't I buy you a flower from that adorable little flower girl?

[BUD as FLOWER GIRL]
Here's a pretty posey, it's the first one of the spring
I stole it from a Jew!
My heart is full of hate, and I don't know anything
'Cause yes, I'm illiterate too!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
Ooh, Schlimmer
My lovely Schlimmer
You are the best darn town in Germany!

[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
Gutenberg!

[BUD as FLOWER GIRL]
Gutenberg!

[BOTH as DRUNKS]
Gutenber-er-er-er-erg

[BUD, spoken]
Alright, you ready?
[DOUG, spoken]
Ok, I'm ready, you ready? We got this
[BUD, spoken]
Let's bring this home, let's do it. Good job, yeah

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the pride of Schlimmer

[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
He's the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the cremé de la creméer

[BOTH as GUTENBERG/FLOWER GIRL]
He's/I'm the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the cremé de la creméer

[BUD as DRUNK #2]
He's the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I am-

[BOTH as ALL CHARACTERS]
Gutenberg!

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Andrew Rannells - That was the opening number!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
That was the opening number

[BUD, spoken]
And the prologue

[DOUG, spoken]
We're just trying to give you a sense of the world of Schlimmer

[BUD, spoken]
It's a tiny town

[DOUG, spoken]
The kind of town where anything can happen
And now we start the story
Scene two, Gutenberg's wine press shop
The roof is made of dirty thatch
There are shelves filled with old wine bottles
And we meet Helvetica, a German girl who's beautiful
But doesn't know it
She stands in a bucket, stomping on grapеs
Gutenberg entеrs

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Have you seen my dream journal?
I had an amazing dream last night and I want to turn it into a poem

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
A poem? Will you read it to me?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Journals are private

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Yes, sir

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Oh, I almost forgot, here's a flower

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Oh, it's beautiful

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I got it from that horrible anti-semitic flower girl, destroy it

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Yes, sir

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
There will be no hatred in my shop

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Are you hungry?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Yes

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Do you want me to bake a lamb for you?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
No, but I would like some stew

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Stew? Lamb stew? Right away, sir

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Good girl, I love ewe

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
You love me?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
No, I love ewe, e-w-e, ewe

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
E-w-who?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Ewe

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Me?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Stew, female lamb stew

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
I don't understand

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Why can no one in this town read?

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
We have nothing to read

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I see, that is the problem
If you need me I'll be in my wine pressing room, pressing wine

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Here's your stew, I made it hot and ready

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Thank you, Barbara

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Helvetica

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Helvetica, yes

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Andrew Rannells - I Can't Read

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Yes, Sir
Thank you, Sir
Wonderful, Sir

[BUD as HELVETICA]
I watch him working at his press
I watch him make his wine
I stomp the grapes and dream
About the day I'll make him mine
But I know that day will never come
'Cause I am too obtuse
I'm just too dumb to understand anything but this grape juice

And I...
I can't read
I can't read him
He's all Greek to me
And I...
[sobbing] I...
I still need him
Like a grape that needs a squeeze

His brain is bigger than my brain
He can spell and count real good
And meanwhile, I don't count at all
And I don't think I should
'Cause I was raised to milk a cow
And cows, they never ask you much
No wonder I'm a fool
Also, there's no school

And I...
I am dumb
I am dumbstruck
Every time he says my name
Hel-ve-ti-ca Gu-mi-shti-fel
Helvetica Gumishtifel

Gumishtifel
It's been my name since birth
But there's one name I'd trade it for
On this flat planet Earth
So I'll stay here in my bucket
And one day I'll be
Helvetica Gutenberg
Just you wait and see...

I...
I'll be here
I'll be hearing church bells
Church Bells for us
Us...
Us or we?
Be together
Whichever, us or we
Us or we
Us or we
Us or we...
Us... or... we

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Andrew Rannells - That was the love ballad!

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Andrew Rannells - Haunted German Wood

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

DOUG as YOUNG MONK, spoken]
[BUD as MONK, spoken]
[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
[BUD as MONK]

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK, spoken]
You're such a bad monk!

[BUD as MONK, spoken]
Yes. Yes I am

(sung)
When I was a young monk
I tried to feed the poor
I prayed to Jesus, I helped the lame
But I always wanted more
God said be weak and be meek and be good

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Good

[BUD as MONK]
But then I met the devil
In a haunted German wood

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK, spoken]
You met the actual devil? In a forest?

[BUD as MONK, spoken]
Uh-huh!

(sung)
The devil was a lady
He looked just like my mom
He held me like a baby
And like a baby I sucked my thumb
He said you're so small, I can make you a man

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Man

[BUD as MONK]
Thеn he threw me in thе dirt
And slapped me with both hands

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Haunted German wood
Haunted German Wood

[BUD as MONK]
I sold my soul for power

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
In a haunted German wood

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
This seems bad

[BUD as MONK]
Why's it bad, just a dance with the Devil
I

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Worship Satan

[BUD as MONK]
The Devil said he had to go
Back where he'd come from
But he told me, 'Boy, stay in the church
And keep the people dumb
You'll have more power if they think you're

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Good...'

[BUD as MONK, rapped]
'But there's gonna come a day
When a guy will print a book
And the book will be the Bible
And the people all will read it
And they'll know that you're a liar
So you're gonna have to stop 'em!

(spoken)
Oh God... sorry, I just need my inhaler...

(rapped)
'Cause if you don't then we just wasted
Like an awful lot of time in that
Haunted German wood'

[BUD as MONK & (DOUG as YOUNG MONK), BOTH]
Haunted German wood
Haunted German wood
You're haunted
(And you're German)
You haunted
(German)
Haunted German
Haunted German wood
Haunted German
Wood
(Haunted German)
Now it is the devil's turn
I see a book, I'll have it burned
I'll always treasure what I learned
In that haunted German-
-wood!

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Andrew Rannells - Guess who's about to make a machine that prints books!

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Andrew Rannells - The Press Song

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

Gutenberg's wine press shop. It is very late at night. The clock on the wall says, like... psh, two A.M. probably. Gutenberg is working at his press

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I need a break

(sung)
When I'm at my press
I like to leave my body
Let my mind roam free
And think about my day
Somebody died, somebody cried, somebody lied
I ate stew
And yet
There's the pain of something niggling at my head
I can't forget
And yet I can't remember what the people of Schlimmer said

I cannot rеad

I cannot read

I cannot read

I hate Jеws

(spoken)
Yes! I hear you now, townspeople. I understand you, and I feel you inside me. I've gotta do something!

(sung)
Here
I'll take this clock
What can this be?
Can this clock ever teach people to read?
No, it cannot
It goes in the trash
Wait
There might be something cool in the trash
It's just an old grape
That's not what I need
Grapes are completely useless
No! Schlimmer must read!
But what can I do
All I got's this grape juice press

Wait a minute!

This grape juice press
I'm gonna take this press and make it print some words
I'm gonna change this press though I know it sounds absurd
I'm gonna take the grapes out, put letters in
Put letters where them grapes have been
I'm gonna take this press and make it print some words

[BUD, spoken]
And so Gutenberg worked long into the night, making history to that boogie-woogie beat. You go on, Johann Gutenberg, you invent that printing press for all of us

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
It's the first printing press in history
It's gonna print up books for you and me
It's a printing press and it's gonna print some words

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Helvetica enters
Oh, Gutenberg!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Look what I invented!

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Oh, what is it?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
A printing press

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Oh, it's wonderful! Shall we toast?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
No!

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
AHH!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Silly girl. We don't make wine anymore. We make words!

[BUD as HELVETICA, spoken]
Words...?

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Words!

(sung)
Ah! Now that I'm done
Get ready to read!
This will be going down in history
Remember my face
Now there's a glimmer in Schlimmer
And that glimmer is me
G-U-T-E-N-B-E-R-G!

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Andrew Rannells - History!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
History!

[BUD, spoken]
I'd just like to say, it was pretty scary setting the most important moment in history to music

[DOUG, spoken]
Well, you did a great job

[BUD, spoken]
Well, you wrote me a great story!

[BUD & DOUG laugh.]

[BUD, continuing]
This is awesome

[DOUG, spoken]
We're doing it!
Scene five: The Streets of Schlimmer!

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Andrew Rannells - I Can't Read (Reprise)

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD, spoken]
The sky is sad, and the air? Oh my God, the air smells like trash
Young monk is walking in the rain

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
I'm just too dumb to understand why he treats me like a dog
And like a dog
I- I can't read
But if I could read
I could get a different job
Why can't someone teach me how to read?

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Andrew Rannells - Have a biscuit!

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Andrew Rannells - Biscuits

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Biscuits
Biscuits
I want you deep in side of me
Biscuits

[BUD as BOOTBLACK, spoken]
Every medieval bootblack knows when you're feeling bad there are only two cures:
Leeches and biscuits!

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
Put 'em in an oven and they're nice and sweet
Put 'em in my tummy and they're good to eat
Put 'em on a shelf and they're out of reach
Biscuits

[BUD as BOOTBLACK]
They taste really yummy in a time of war

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK]
They taste really yummy, even off the floor

[BUD as BOOTBLACK]
They taste really yummy and I want some more!

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK & BUD as BOOTBLACK]
We'rе not too poor to eat biscuits
Biscuits
I want you deep inside of me, biscuits
Biscuits
You makе me want to dance

(spoken)
Biscuits!
Biscuits!

[BUD as BOOTBLACK, spoken]
And now, I shall throw this biscuit into that man's house

[DOUG as YOUNG MONK & BUD as BOOTBLACK, spoken]
Biscuits!

(sung)
You can eat a biscuit when you're sick and bed
You can eat a biscuit when the moon turns read
You can eat a biscuit when we're all dead
Biscuits and biscuits and-

(spoken)
Biscuits!

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Andrew Rannells - This show is not about biscuits!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Now... I know you're probably sitting there and thinking to yourself
"That song had nothing to?do?with anything!"

[BUD, spoken]
"This show?it not about biscuits!"

[DOUG, spoken]
"So what are?we doing?!"
Well, people like me and Bud call a song?like?that...
A?charm song

[BUD, spoken]
But Doug,?why do we?need a charm song?

[DOUG, spoken]
Well, a charm song give the audience a break
From watching the stuff they actually care about
You don't care about biscuits!

So let's get back to...
The story

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Andrew Rannells - What's the Word?

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

Rumors about Gutenberg spread like the plague!

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 1, spoken]
Hey, beef fat trimmer, see you chopping some meat!

[DOUG as BEEF FAT TRIMMER, spoken]
I just can't seem to chop off these feet!
Four more steaks, and I'll have finished the herd

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 1, spoken]
Then take a break, and tell me what's the word?

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 1 & DOUG as BEEF FAT TRIMMER, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[DOUG as BEEF FAT TRIMMER, spoken]
Well, I shouldn't say this, but late last night
In the wine press shop there was a light
It was Gutenberg! At the windowpane!
He was workin', he was sweatin' he was shoutin' his name
Now I wouldn't bеt money, but I think it's true
That our wine prеssing friend is making something new

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 1, spoken]
Ooh, really?

[DOUG as BEEF FAT TRIMMER, spoken]
You didn't hear it from me
I'm just a beef trimmer trimmin' fat off the beef

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 1 & DOUG as BEEF FAT TRIMMER, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[DOUG, spoken]
A woman goes to buy some sheaves

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
Well, hey, there!

[DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
Hey! I'm milking a cow

[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
Do you really have to milk that cow right now?
I've got hot gossip and it just won't keep!
Gutenberg didn't get much sleep last night

[DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
That right?

[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
He might be working on something shady
Or he might be working on a special lady

[DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
Oh, a special lady? I wish it were me
I'm very attracted to Mr. G
He's got great buns and he's got great pecs
I'll be heartbroken if he's having sex without me

[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
So I see

[DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
It can't be

[BUD as WOMAN & DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[BUD, spoken]
Another woman sees friend in a field

[DOUG as COW MILKER, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[DOUG as OTHER WOMAN, spoken]
Mr. Gutenberg's got a girl and he might've kissed her
There's just one problem - it wasn't me!
There's some other gal in town giving milk for free
Mr. G steppin' out with some pretty miss
I'm gonna tell the whole town she's got syphillis
You wanna go and spread that rumor?

[BUD as FRIEND, spoken]
Maybe, but first I've got to bury my dead baby

[DOUG as OTHER WOMAN, spoken]
Well that's horrible

[BUD as FRIEND, spoken]
It happens

[DOUG as OTHER WOMAN & BUD as FRIEND, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[BUD, spoken]
Another man is buying apricots

[DOUG as OTHER WOMAN, spoken]
What's the word?
What's the word?

[BUD as TOWNSPERSON 2, spoken]
Hey there, man, I see you buying some fruit
Have you heard the word about our friend Gutenberg?
It seems he's done something great
But all we know for certain is he was up late
It's Monk!

[DOUG as MONK, spoken]
Say no more, my childless friend
I'll find out how this rumor ends
I'll head on over to the wine press shop
And if he's up to something naughty...

(sung)
I'll make it stop!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Lies, lies, lies!

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Andrew Rannells - And just like old wine... the plot thickens.

We currently do not have these lyrics. If you would like to submit them, please use the form below.

Lyrics:

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Andrew Rannells - Stop the Press

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG as HELVETICA]

(SOBS)

[BUD as MONK, SPOKEN]

Poor, poor Helvetica...

[Sung]

You've made wine, probably 'bout a million times
You dumb German wench, you fool...
He's gone! What is that you're stomping on?
Let me take a guess, there's grape juice on your dress
Isn't it time to stop the press?

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SPOKEN]

You mean destroy Gutenberg's printing press?

[BUD as MONK, SPOKEN]

That's right, Helvetica! The only thing standing between you and Gutenborg is that there printing press!

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Stop the Press!
You gotta stop the press or the press will stop you
Stop the Press!
You can get him back
If you give it a chop!
You stomped his grapes for wine
Now stomp for Monk this time
You've got to stop the-

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

Please don't shout!
I'm in this bucket- I'll get out
If I smash his press, he'll cry
And I-

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Will be right there to dry his eyes!

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

I'll feel his caress?

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Yes...

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

We'll be together?

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Yes!

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

Maybe it's time to Stop the Press!

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Stop the Press!
You can stop the press with a simple pencil
Stop the Press!

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

I know I'm gonna do it but I'm feeling tense
Will Gutenberg be mad?

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

No!

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

Will Gutenberg be glad?

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Sure

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SUNG]

I've got to stop the-

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

Press!

[BUD as MONK, DOUG as HELVETICA, BOTH SUNG]

Stop the Press! Okay I'll do it!
Stop the Press! I know I can!
Stop the Press! Please don't rush me-
Stop the Press! I love my man!
Use that pencil. Stop the Press!
You'll be together. Stop the Press!
You'll have a baby. Stop the Press!
Johannes Jr! Stop the Press!

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

You've got to stop the-

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SPOKEN]

I love you Gutenberg!

[BUD as MONK, SUNG]

You've got to stop the-

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SPOKEN]

This is for our future!

[BUD as MONK, DOUG as HELVETICA, BOTH SUNG]

You've got- Urgh!
To- Urgh!
Stop- Urgh!
The- Urgh!
Press!

[DOUG as HELVETICA, SPOKEN]

What have I done?

[BUD as MONK, SPOKEN]

My bidding!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - Now anything can happen!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Monk and Helvetica just destroyed the printing press
Think about that for a second

[BUD, spoken]
Yeah, let me?say?something
History does not?always happen like we think!

[DOUG, spoken]
History is?not always like they say
In the so-called "history books"!
Also... this may not have happened

[BUD, spoken]
But it could have!

[DOUG, spoken]
Yes!

[BUD, spoken]
Yes!

[DOUG, spoken]
You see
We realized once Gutenberg invented the printing press
There was no more story

[BUD, spoken]
Right! So...
We destroyed it!

[DOUG, spoken]
Now anything can happen!

[BUD, spoken]
Yes!
And what is about to happen
Is the big Act I finale
Now, as many of you already know
A hit Broadway musical always has to end its first act
With a big rock song

[DOUG, spoken]
That's why we're about to send you
Rockin' to the restroom!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - Tomorrow Is Tonight

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD, spoken]
Elderly patrons may wish to turn down their hearing devices

[DOUG, spoken]
In an actual production, this number would include a gospel choir and lasers!

[BUD, spoken]
Scene eight: Roofstops of Slimmer!
Gutenberg stands, straddling a chimney. Smoke billows up and around his face!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
When I got out of bed today
History was a lot more boring
Then I thought it a different way
Now the bird of inspiration's soaring
Look at these hands
They're attached to a normal man
A normal man who probably changed your world
Tomorrow is tonight
It's a history and future fight
Tomorrow is tonight

[DOUG, spoken]
Monk stands on an adjacent chimney surrounded by fire and bats!

[BUD as MONK]
Today, I killed the future
Now my badness knows no bounds
My plan unfurled to trick that girl
Now the bird of inspiration's on the ground
Splat. OOH!
I crushed his dreams
You don't change the world with a dumb machine
At least not while this monk is still in town
Tomorrow is tonight
It's a history and future fight
Tomorrow is tonight

[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica is also on a roof

[DOUG as HELVETICA]
I feel like a bird
A bird who just destroyed a printing press
A bird who's in some serious distress
I don't have wings
That is bad for flying things

[BUD as MONK, spoken]
Monk in command!

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
Don't say can't when you could say can

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as GUTENBERG]
You only get one chance to be a star
Tomorrow is tonight
It's a history and future fight

[BUD as MONK]
Tomorrow

[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
Tomorrow

[BUD as MONK & DOUG as GUTENBERG]
Tomorrow is tonight

[DOUG as HELVETICA]
Tomorrow is to...

(spoken)
What have I done!?

[BUD & DOUG, spoken]
Intermission!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

Writer: BOBBY LOPEZ, TREY PARKER, MATTHEW E. STONE
Copyright: Lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
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Andrew Rannells - Second Prologue

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD, spoken]
Second prologue

The streets of Schlimmer

[DOUG, spoken]
It is very early in the morning
So early, the dirt streets are still covered
With yesterday's vegetables
The stage is filled with doom
Also...fog
Boot Plaque and Daughter meet on the street

[BUD (as Daughter]
Boot Plaque

[DOUG (as Boot Plaque)]
Daughter

[BUD (as Daughter)]
Had a bad dream last night

[DOUG (as Boot Plaque), spoken]
I know!

[BUD (as Daughter)]
There were pigs

[DOUG (as Boot Plaque)]
Were they scary?

[BUD (as Daughter)]
Yes sir
Very scary

[DOUG (as Boot Plaque)]
I had that dream too

[BUD (as Daughter)]
Spits of meat

[DOUG (as Boot Plaque)]
They were turning

[BUD (as Daughter)]
Overdone and burning

[BOTH (as Daughter and Boot Plaque)]
Like symbols in dreams!

[DOUG [as Boot Plaque] (BUD [as Daughter])
Turning, burning, turning
(Symbols)
Turning, burning, turning
(Symbols)
Turning, burning, turning
(Symbols)
Turning, burning, turning
(Symbols)
Black cats!
(Then with ladders)
Thirteen mirrors shattered
By a warlock (By a warlock)

Scary!
(Spooky, spooky, spooky)
Scary!
(Spooky, spooky, spooky)
Scary!
(Spooky, spooky, spooky)
Scary!
(Spooky, spooky, spooky)

Scary things
(Very tragic)
Dreams like this are always...
Magic!
What does it mean? (What does it mean?)

[BUD, spoken]
Now that... was a nightmare

[DOUG, spoken]
People like me and Bud call a scene like that "foreshadowing"
[BUD, spoken]
But Doug, what is "foreshadowing"?

[DOUG, spoken]
Well, I'll tell you...
Later

Hit it!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

Top▲

Andrew Rannells - That was a nightmare.

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD, spoken]
That was a nightmare

[DOUG, spoken]
People like me and Bud call a scene like that foreshadowing

[BUD, spoken]
But Doug, what is foreshadowing?

[DOUG, spoken]
Well, I'll tell you... later. Hit it!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - Words, Words, Words

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Act II, Scene 1
An old timey bar called The Rusty German
The roof is made of?dirty?thatch
The floor is?covered in peanut shells

[BUD, spoken]
Gutenberg sits at?the bar
He is drunk!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I am drunk
I have been drinking wine and mead
And now my face is numb!
Hey, Drunk!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Gah!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I can't learn 'til you wait to read

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Do what?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
You're so cute and so dumb

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Bah!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
And you smell like a piece of horse

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Hey, Gutenberg's drunk!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I am drunk!
For the last time!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh no!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
That's right, drunk!
After tonight, old Gutenberg's not drinkin' wine anymore!
I'm drinkin' words!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Ya can't drink words!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Not so fast there, drunk!
(singing)

Words...
Can take on any form or shape

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Bah ha! You've gone insane!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
No!

(singing)

Words...
Are like wine from a better grape

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Huh?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
The grape of your brain!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
Words taste so sweet
[BUD (as Drunk #2)]
With ice, they're just neat!

[BOTH (as Johan Gutenberg and Drunk #2)]
Nothing can compete

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I'm gonna get drunk off of words
I'm gonna come home late
I'm gonna stink of words

[BOTH (as Johan Gutenberg and Drunk #2)]
Wine is awfully fine
But really, wine is just a word
Words, words, words

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I'm gonna go get a drink!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
See ya!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Hey, what's happenin'?

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Aye, Gutenberg is talkin' about gettin' drunk...
Off of words!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
That sounds stupid!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
It's not!
Words make ya feel all tingly inside!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
But that's what alcohol does!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Yes, but words do it without that cripplin' chemical addiction!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
That's the part I don't like!

[BUD (as Drunk #2)]
Well then pull up a seat

[DOUG (as Drunk #1)]
This is a treat

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Guess we should repeat

We're gonna get drunk off of words

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
I'm gonna start a fight!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
I'm gonna vomit words!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Wine is awfully fine
But really, wine is just a word
Words, words, words

[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica enters

(as Helvetica)

Gutenberg

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
What?

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
I've got to say...

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey!

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
Can I get a second chance?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I dunno what you're talkin' about

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
I've done something really awful!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
Come on Helvetica
Let's dance!

[BUD, spoken]
Gutenberg holds Helvetica close

(as Helvetica)

Hello
I... I don't understand

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Wine can make you do... crazy things
You're fired!

[BUD (as Helvetica), spoken]
What?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I'm firing you as my grape stomper
But I wanna hire you... as my wife!

[BUD (as Helvetica), spoken]
Oh Gutenberg, I...
I can't!
I've done something awful!

[DOUG, spoken]
Helvetica leaves the bar in a tizzy

(as Johan Gutenberg)

Where are you going?
Where are you going?!

[BUD, spoken]
Dance break!

[DOUG, spoken]
The entire cast rushes onstage
And Gutenberg is sucked into the madness

[BUD, spoken]
Some do wild leaps in the air!

[DOUG, spoken]
Some do flips!

[BUD, spoken]
Some do somersaults!

[DOUG, spoken]
Some do handstands!

[BUD, spoken]
Some chicken fight in the corner!

[DOUG, spoken]
While the old black narrator soars above it all!
The entire cast joins hands
To form a chorus line!

[BOTH (as All)]
We're gonna get drunk off of words
Someone else should drive
Because we're drunk off words
Wine is awfully fine
But really, wine is just a word
Words!
Words!
Words!

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Andrew Rannells - Gutenberg needed to have a lot of fun.

We currently do not have these lyrics. If you would like to submit them, please use the form below.

Lyrics:

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Andrew Rannells - Monk With Me

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Scene two
The church on the hill
Monk is pretending to pray
Gutenberg enters

(as Johan Gutenberg)

Hey... nice Church

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Well,?Mr.?Johan Gutenberg
What brings?you to by Church on the?hill

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Last night, I invented the printing press
And now I wanna print the Bible with it
I'm gonna call it The Gutenberg Bible

[BUD (as Monk), whispering]
Aah, a Bible that will be printed
And distributed to the masses
He must not know the printing press has been destroyed
I shall toy with him

(spoken)

Tell me, Mr. Johan Gutenberg!
Ya ever through about becoming a monk?!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I did once
Seemed boring

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
No, Johan Gutenberg!
Monking is powa!

(singing)

Monk with me!
Come live here
I think you'll like it
I've got a cat!
Plus there's food
Delicious loaves and fishes

(spoken)

Here, taste that!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I don't know if I can stay and dine
Somehow, it don't feel right
[BUD (as Monk)]
Monk with me!
Try this on
It's a monk robe

(spoken)

Don't that feel nice?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Monk...

[BUD (as Monk)]
It's real silk
From China
There's nothin' finer
It's worth the price

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
I want it!

[BUD (as Monk)]
Then monk... with me
My friend
Yeah!
We're monkin' for God now!
Monk... with me
My friend
[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
My brain is torn
My heart's confused
I wonder if I'm being used
I only want the world to read!
Can I still do that and monk?

[BUD (as Monk)]
It's better if the world can't read
God is what the people need
I'm saying that God could be... we!
Oh Gutenberg... monk... with...

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
NOOOOO!
Oh Monk, don't you see?!
We're different!
You believe in God!
I believe... in stuff!
God and stuff don't mix!
They're like bugs and beautiful skin
Plus, let's face it...
You are a terrible monk

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Choose your words very carefully, Johan Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Words? Yes, I almost forgot!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
What?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Words!
Yes, like the words in this Bible!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
No!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Words are why I came here!

(singing)

I believe in my words
I believe in my press
I believe in a reading Germany
Now you want me to monk
As throw that away
I think it's time to go

[BUD (as Monk)]
Do not tell me...

[DOUG [as Johan Gutenberg] (BUD [as Monk])]
My answer now is no
(Do not tell me no)

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Door's locked!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
What?!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Window's closed!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
How?!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
You're not going anywhere
Johan Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Yes I am!
And I'm taking this huge Bible with me!
Oh! It feels like...
Goodness!
The only thing better than this feeling...
Would he mass producing this feeling

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Gimme that Bible!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
How?!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
You better get your mind off of words
Johan Gutenberg
Why, don't you want to go to heaven?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Heaven?

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Yes, heaven!
Why? Where do you think people go when they die?!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Oh, I dunno
I guess I think most people turn into dirt
But some people... turn into statues!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Statues?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Yes!
I want my statue to be me
Riding on a dragon
Nursing a baby!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Johan Gutenberg
There are no statues in heaven!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Then I don't wanna go there!

[BUD (as Monk)]
Oh, Gutenberg is such a mess
Your life is caught up in that press
You'll never come to holiness
Unless... you...

Monk... with me
My friend
Yes! We can change heaven!
Monk...

[DOUG [as Johan Gutenberg] (BUD [as Monk])]
I've got to get out
(...with me!)
These windows are locked
(My friend, yeah!)
And that dark passageway is long
(Don't make me angry!)
Now I've got an idea
(Monk... with me!)
I'll smash through the door!
(My friend!)
Yes!
This is my goodbye!

[BUD (as Monk)]
You will rue too soon that you
Refused to choose to monk...
With...
Me!

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - It's called a motif.

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[BUD, spoken]
Now, Doug, are my ears playing tricks on me, or did Monk just sing a little bit of Haunted German Wood again?

[DOUG, spoken]
Your ears are perfect, Bud. It's called a motif!

[BUD, spoken]
But Doug, what is a motif?

[DOUG, spoken]
A motif is when you use the same music over and over again
But it's not lazy

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - (Might as Well) Go to Hell

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Scene three
The monks' evil tower
It is dark... and dank

[BUD, spoken]
The floor is covered with rats... and with feces
Helvetica stands at the window
Overlooking the moon

[DOUG (as Helvetica)]
I'm in a tower with rats and some feces
And the man I adore is so close...
And yet so far
If I were here
I would ask him to squeeze these
My heart is one big scar
I'm blubberin' like a retarded lady
And maybe I oughta be...
Maybe I oughta be beaten
History's paved with the hearts of the stupid
Heaven is saved for the souls who have no sin
I thought I was brave when I said "hey" to Cupid
But I won't do that again
Cause now I'll never have a friend or lover
So maybe I oughta go...
Maybe I might as well go to hell

Might as well
Might as well go to hell
Might as well
Might as well go to hell

My mama told me that hell was a bad place
With no pretty kitties
To cuddle when you're low
When I am dead
I will sure miss your cat face
But I goofed up and I know
I will never leave Medieval death row
So maybe I oughta go
Maybe I might as well go to hell

Might as well
Might as well go to hell

(spoken)

Rats, sing with me!

[BUD (as Rats)]
Might as well
Might as well go to hell
[BOTH (as Helvetica and Rats)]
Might as well
Might as well go to hell

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
I want to die
But should I try?
To kill myself
I dunno!

(singing)

To be or not to be... me

(spoken)

I've gotta do it!

[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica bends the bars
Steps onto the ledge
And prepares to jump

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
I'm flying!
[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica soars over the town of Schlimmer

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
Goodbye rats!
Goodbye feces!
Hello Schlimmer!
Weeeeee!
It's beautiful!
I can see my house...
And it's not real
I'm still in my tower

(singing)

I have betrayed you, my beautiful Hamlet
And when I say Hamlet
I'm talkin' 'bout my town
Cause there are two meanings of the word Hamlet
So maybe I oughta drown
Or put my body in the ground
Cause I let everybody down
I'm just a cryin' clown
Wearing a painted frown
I hear a scary sound
It's a three headed hound!
Downed with a round brown crown
In hand!

[BUD (as Rats)]
Might as well

[BOTH (as Helvetica and Rats)]
Might as well go to hell
Might as well

[DOUG [as Helvetica] (BUD [as Rats])]
Come and get me Satin!
(Might as well go to hell)
I wanna be with you!
(Might as well)
I want your horns inside me!
(Might as well go to hell)
I wanna live with you!
(Might as well)
In hell!
(Might as well go...)
(Might as well...)
Go to hell

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - What if no one wants our show?

We currently do not have these lyrics. If you would like to submit them, please use the form below.

Lyrics:

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Andrew Rannells - Festival!

[ Featuring Josh Gad ]

[DOUG, spoken]
Scene four
The next morning
Today is the day of the German celebration
Known as "Festival"

[BUD, spoken]
Dawn is beginning?to?break over the?town of Schlimmer
Beef Fat Trimmer steps?forward
Through the stinky morning mist

[DOUG [as Beef Fat Trimmer](BUD [as Daughter])]
The sun, it rises in the East
I smell bread rising with the yeast
For today is no ordinary day
It's the day... of Festival
(Today I dance)

This sun, it rises in the East (At Festival)
(In knee-rosen pants)
I smell bread rising with the yeast
(Yeah, that's the festival)

[BOTH (as Beef Fat Trimmer and Daughter)]
For today is no ordinary day
It's the day of Festival

[BUD, spoken]
We see Gutenberg pulling a wagon
With the printing press inside
It is covered with a sheet
He is going to the town square
He still does not know the printing press has been destroyed

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
They'll go nuts
And lift me in their arms
When I show 'em my press
I'm takin' to festival

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
Oh Gutenberg, I'm sorry

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I'm so psyched!

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
Forgive me!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I'll be even more well liked!

[BUD (as Helvetica)]
And the town will have his head
Once they see the printing press is dead!
(as Daughter)

Today I dance

[DOUG [as Beef Fat Trimmer] (BUD [as Helvetica])]
The sun, it rises in the east
(Oh Gutenberg)

[BUD (as Daughter)]
At the Festival

[DOUG [as Johan Gutenberg] (BUD [as Helvetica])]

Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg
(Will you ever for-)

[BUD (as Daughter)]
In knee-rosen pants

[DOUG [as Beef Fat Trimmer] (BUD [as Helvetica])]
The sun is rising
(I smashed your press)

[BUD (as Daughter)]
That's the best
[DOUG [as Johan Gutenberg] (BUD [as Helvetica])]
Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg, Gutenberg
(Now I'm a mess)

[BOTH (as All)]

For today is no ordinary day
It's the day...

[BUD (as Daughter)]
The blessed day

[BOTH (as All)]
...of Festival

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2), spoken]
It's the festival!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
I'm still drunk!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
I'm always drunk!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Festival
It's the best of all
It's the crest of all our desires
Festival
Take the rest of all of the festivals
To the fires

[DOUG (as Drunk #1)]
There is so much food and drink

[BUD (as Drunk #2)]
There's just enough to make you faint

[DOUG (as Drunk #1)]
I wish it'd all be tickled pink

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
I'm tellin' y'all, let's dance!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
It's Monk!

[BUD (as Monk)]
Don't forget, I met the devil
In a haunted German wood
I'm a terrible monk and I've got a plan
And it's happenin' like it should!
Now the girl's in trouble
And his press is rubble
And his Guten-bubble's gonna burst!
Ha!

I'll just wait and see
Wine man Mr. G
As they roast him like a bratwurst
Ha!

[DOUG (as Young Monk)]
Why does he have to be so bad?!

[BUD (as Flower Girl)]
I've got daffodils
And some roses too
But you can't have one

(spoken)

BECAUSE YOU'RE A JEW!!!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
Oh flower girl!
Why must you have this ridiculous hatred of the Jews?
It's irrational and it's wrong
It hurts me to see my fellow townspeople
Acting this way
Just think of where all this hatred could lead
Before you know it
We could be in the middle
Of a Second World War
And that's why I have something under this sheet
That could unite us all

[BUD, spoken]
Everyone gasps

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Oh no!

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Well, well, well
What have we here?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
It was a... printing press

[BUD (as Monk), spoken)]
A printing press?!
What's that for?

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
It was going to... change the world

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
Get him!

[DOUG, spoken]
The townspeople converge
And attack Gutenberg
They are filled with irrational mob mentality
And soon collect wood
Light a fire
And burn Gutenberg alive

Lights shift

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

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Andrew Rannells - Finale

[ Featuring Josh Gad, Mel Brooks ]

[BUD, spoken]
The cast joins hands
And walks to the edge of the stage

[DOUG (as Young Monk), spoken]
Gutenberg's death did not stop?his?dream

[BUD (as Daughter), spoken]
His printing press?was rebuilt
And used to print many?things

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Like the Gutenberg Bible

[BUD (as Woman #1), spoken]
As well as the very programs
You hold in your hands

[DOUG (as Young Monk), spoken]
But Gutenberg's dream of universal literacy...
Remains unrealized

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Many people still do not know how to read

[DOUG (as Black Narrator), spoken]

And we're not just talkin' about children
And blind people

[BUD (as Flower Girl), spoken]
Statistics tell us
That more than half the people in this room
Cannot read

[DOUG (as... Um... Someone), spoken]
The struggle continues

[BUD (as Monk), spoken]
That's why the story of Gutenberg
Is an inspiration for us all

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Cause it's not just the success that matters
It's the dream

(no longer in character)

Hi
We're the authors of this musical
I wrote the book

[BUD, spoken]
And I wrote the music
[BOTH, spoken]
And we both wrote the lyrics

[DOUG, spoken]
We wrote ourselves into the finale of the show
Because, like Gutenberg
We have dreams too

[BUD, spoken]
And while the printing press may not have solved
All the world's problems...

[DOUG, spoken]
The Holocaust happened!

[BUD, spoken]
...we hope the story of the printing press
Did impress upon all of you
The power of our dreams

[DOUG]
Life can be cruel and kinda cold

[BUD]
And often, no one's there
To hold you when you cry
[DOUG]
So those who hope must close their eyes

[BUD]
And trust a better future lies-

[BOTH]
-in dreams

Where our little lives are rounded
With a sleep
And while the emptiness within us
May be deep
We'll get our fill
While hopeless millions hunger still

We eat dreams

[BUD]
We eat dreams

[DOUG]
I eat them too

[BUD]
We eat dreams

[DOUG]
I eat them too

[BUD]
We eat dreams

[DOUG, spoken]
We all eat dreams, don't we?
C'mon
Look at the person sitting next to you
They eat just as many dreams as you do
They're delicious!
So don't just sit there
We want you to sing along with us
We're going to sing "we eat dreams"
And we want you to sing "we eat them too"
Okay?
Here we go!

[BOTH]
We eat dreams
We eat them-

[BUD]
-too

[DOUG, spoken; overlapping]
C'mon everybody!

[BOTH]
We eat dreams
We eat them-

[BUD]
-too

[DOUG, spoken; overlapping]
Okay, now just the guys

[BOTH]
We eat dreams

(as Young Monk and Boot Plaque)

We eat-

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
-them too

[DOUG, spoken; overlapping]
Oh, come on guys
You can do better than that!

[BUD]
We eat dreams

[DOUG, spoken; overlapping]
Okay, now just the girls!

[BOTH (as Daughter and Woman #2)]
We eat-

[BOTH]
We eat dreams
We eat them-

[BUD]
-them too

[DOUG, spoken; overlapping]
Good! Okay, now just Broadway producers!

[BUD]
We-

[BOTH]
-eat dreams

[FAMOUS BROADWAY PRODUCER]
I eat them too

[DOUG, spoken]
Oh my god!

[FAMOUS BROADWAY PRODUCER]
I eat them too

(spoken)

Bud, Doug
This show is fantastic!
I don't need to hear another note!
I'm a famous Broadway producer
And I hold in my hands a Broadway contract

[BUD, spoken]
Yes!

[FAMOUS BROADWAY PRODUCER, spoken]
Congratulations, Bud and Doug
You've got your show!

[ALL THREE]
Where our little lives are rounded
With a sleep
And while the emptiness within us
May be deep
We'll get our fill
While hopeless millions hunger still

We eat dreams

[BUD AND DOUG]
We eat... dreams

[ Correct these Lyrics ]

Top▲

Back to: Gutenberg! The Musical!

Gutenberg! The Musical! Info:

(buy at amazon.com)

Gutenberg! The Musical! is a musical written and composed by Scott Brown and Anthony King. Brown and King developed the show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City, where versions of it played over the course of more than a year.

The show was part of the 2005 New York Musical Theatre Festival and, in more final form, the 2006 Festival, and ran at the Jermyn Street Theatre in London in January 2006.

The musical opened off-Broadway on December 3, 2006, directed by Alex Timbers, and closed on May 6, 2007. A 2023 Broadway production, also helmed by Timbers, starred Josh Gad and Andrew Rannells.

The piece concerns two earnest but clueless theatre composers, who present a highly inaccurate musical about the life of Johannes Gutenberg to potential investors.

Released: May 3rd, 2024
Year: 2024

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