Here We Are Musical Album Lyrics

[Instrumental]

[LEO, spoken]
Who's hungry?
Anybody hungry?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Starving

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Ravenous

[PAUL, spoken]
Totally famished

[LEO, spoken]
Kids, I'm taking us all to brunch
So let's go find some food!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Wait a minute, wait a minute
There was something I was supposed to do today
Something very important
Uh, let me see, treadmill? Manicure? Zumba class?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Mimis amichichis
Today just to be with you all, and beautiful women
This is important

[LEO, spoken]
Raffi's right
Everybody into the car!
Now where do we wanna eat?

[PAUL, spoken]
Anything but Mexican

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Why, what's wrong with Mexican?

[PAUL, spoken]
It's too spicy

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
It's too cheese-y

[PAUL, spoken]
And it always looks pre-eaten

[MARIANNE, spoken]
But what was it I was supposed to do today?
Oh well, no matter

[MARIANNE]
What a perfect day!
On a day like today, what could ever go wrong?
[LEO, spoken]
Okay, "No" to Mexican
Then how about Italian?

[PAUL, spoken]
North Italian

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"North Italian"

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
He means Tuscan, don't you, lovey?

[PAUL, spoken]
I mean North Italian
Venetian

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What if we try this new place, Café Everything?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
It got great reviews

[LEO, spoken]
Then I say, hell yes!
[MARIANNE, spoken]
You look wistful, Dr. Zimmer

[PAUL, spoken]
I had a big milestone this week
My one thousandth nose job

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Congratulations!

[LEO, spoken]
Anybody we know?

[RAFFAEL, spoken, to CLAUDIA]
I have to have you

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I know

[MARIANNE]
Face it, are we not blessed!
If it isn't the sun, it's the birdsong
If it isn't the air, it's the view

[CLAUDIA's phone rings.]

I'm completely undone
By the endless abundance of life
Aren't you?

[CLAUDIA, spoken, barking into her phone]
Yes, what?

[MARIANNE]
Don't we all feel blessed!

[CLAUDIA, spoken, into phone]
Tell ABC to screw themselves!

[MARIANNE]
Blessed with health—
Blessed with friends—

[RAFFAEL]
Blessed with Shakespeare—

[PAUL]
Teslas—

[CLAUDIA]
Honey—

[LEO]
Blessed with boobies—

[MARIANNE]
Very funny

[FRITZ]
Blessed with tons and tons of—

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
We get it, Fritzie

[FRITZ, spoken]
Fritz

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Sorry
Remember when she was "Frances"?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, how I miss those days

[PAUL, spoken, sotto voce to RAFFAEL]
Is there any news from "Abdul"?

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to PAUL]
Not now

[CLAUDIA's phone rings.]

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Now what?

[PAUL, spoken]
What's wrong?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
That sky

[CLAUDIA, spoken, into phone]
What now?

[PAUL, spoken]
Are there problems with the shipment?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Could be

[CLAUDIA, spoken, into phone]
Fat chance!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What luck!

[PAUL, spoken]
What if—?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Such bliss — !

[LEO, spoken]
Will you relax?

[MARIANNE]
Buy this day for me, darling
Buy this perfect day
Put it on display
Let it stay
Just this way
Forever

[MARIANNE, PAUL & RAFFAEL]
Yes, buy this day for us, Leo
Buy this perfect day

[CLAUDIA, spoken, into phone]
Hold on

[MARIANNE, PAUL, CLAUDIA & RAFFAEL]
Keep it on display
Let it stay
Just this way
Forever

[CLAUDIA, spoken, into phone]
Go ahead

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I found you a credenza for your embassy

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Never mind credenzas

[MARIANNE, spoken]
And a vintage Aubusson that's darling

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Darling, I have to have you

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Raffi, what are you saying?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
I'm saying I have to have you
"La vidida ay estada el tidada!"
It's an old Morandan proverb

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Well, it's lovely

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
La vidida—

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Listen, everybody—!
Say it, Raffi
Once again
Listen, people!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
La vidida ay estada el tidada

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Don't you love it?
La vidida ay estada el tidada

[PAUL, spoken]
La vidida ay estada el tidada

[MARIANNE, PAUL, CLAUDIA, LEO & RAFFAEL, spoken]
La vidida ay estada el tidada!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
It just flows

[MARIANNE, PAUL, CLAUDIA, LEO & RAFFAEL, spoken]
La vidida ay estada el tidada!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Meaning what?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Life's a tit! Suck it up!"

[MARIANNE, PAUL, CLAUDIA, LEO & RAFFAEL, spoken]
La vidida ay estada el tidada!
La vidida ay estada el tidada!
La vidida ay estada el tidada!

[FRITZ, spoken]
Jesus Christ

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Now what?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Now what?

[FRITZ]
Only just the end of the world
That's what!
Nothing but the end of the world
Comes the revolution—
Don't laugh! It's coming!
Can't you hear the sound of that distant drumming?
Once the revolution is up and humming
That'll be the end of the world
Your world:

The world of private jets and screening rooms
And hundred-thousand-bucks-an-ounce designer perfumes
The world of Wall Street thieves and fashionistas
And Lamborghinis and Vodkatinis
It's all so over!
Don't you know that?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Oh, Fritz — a little joy, per favavere!
Life is pleasure!
We have this day
We have our charmful circle

[MARIANNE, spoken]
You mean charmed

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
It's my English
But why not?
Call us charmful
And rejoice, Fritz, rejoice!

[FRITZ]
Wake up, it's the end of the world, you morons
Welcome to the end of
Power brokers and hydrofractors
And underpaid teachers
And overpaid actors
And disappearing polar bears
And bought-and-sold elections
And infinity pools
And Damien Hirsts
And phony bank accounts—
With safe deposit boxes in
Corrupt banana rat holes
Like Moranda!
They're gonna blow your mergers
And your laptops
And your bitcoins
All to bits!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Fritz
[MARIANNE, spoken]
And abracadabra, here's Café Everything!

[MARIANNE, PAUL, CLAUDIA, LEO & RAFFAEL]
What a perfect day

[FRITZ]
What a perfect day

[MAITRESSE D', spoken]
Good morning, eaters!
Welcome to Café Everything!
A celebration of plenitude
A hymn to abundance
A paean to endless plenty!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Could we have some water?

[MAITRESSE D', spoken]
I will check on that
Your enabler will be here momentarily

[PAUL, spoken]
Wow, they really do have everything here

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
And then some

[MARIANNE, spoken]
They've got manna? I'm in heaven!

[LEO]
Ladies and gents
Before we munch—
We must thank the Lord
For inventing brunch—

[CLAUDIA]
For sourdough—

[RAFFAEL]
Petite Marmite—

[PAUL]
Good health—

[MARIANNE]
Good friends—

[LEO, spoken]
Bon appetit!

[WAITER, spoken]
Good morning, adventurers
I'll be enabling your table

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Could we have some water, please?

[WAITER, spoken]
I will check on that
Can I take your order?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Of course you may
It's your job
I'll have a decaf soymilk latte mocchaniño, immediately

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, Madam
We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
With soy milk
Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Fine. Skip the soy

[WAITER]
What can I say?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I said fine. Regular is f—

[WAITER]
That's not the problem, Madam
The problem isn't just the soy
You see
It's more than just the soy

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Yeah, so?

[WAITER]
I couldn't be more sorry, madam
But sad to say, the fact is
That not only do we have no soy—

[PAUL, spoken]
Oh, boy

[CLAUDIA]
Don't tell me that

[CLAUDIA, spoken & WAITER]
You have no mocha- We have no mocha

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Then just a decaf latte, I don't-

[WAITER]
We're also out of latte

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
What?

[WAITER]
We do expect a little latte later
But we haven't got a lotta latte now

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
You can't be out of lattе
That would mean you're out of milk

[WAITER]
Sir, not only are wе out of milk
We're out of cream
We're out of half-and-half

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
The caffe latte without the lat-

[WAITER]
We're also out of caf

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Not even de-?

[WAITER]
Is that a laugh?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
All right then, tea
Twining's Earl Grey
Bag on the side

[WAITER]
Ah, yes, well

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Don't tell me-

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, Madam
I do apologize
It's unforgivable
I'm so embarrassed
But not only are we out of Earl Grey
We're out of Earl Green
We're out of Earl Red and Blue
And everything in between

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever-

[WAITER]
I apologize profusely, Madam
But we're shit out of tea
Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
You've gotta be kidding

[WAITER]
Je suis désolé

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Fine. Diet Coke with lem-

[WAITER]
Madam, if I may
I forgot to say
By the way
We have no Coke
We have no Sprite
We have no Mountain Dew
No Fresca Lite
And I should add, although I do
Regret it:
If you're thinking beer or wine
Forget it

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, let's just order
Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron

[WAITER, spoken]
Excellent choice

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I've changed my mind about manna
I crave huevoth rancheroth

[WAITER, spoken]
A thuperb thelection

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I'll do the blood pudding
Make it vampiric

[WAITER, spoken]
Nice

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
I will have the curried goat hash

[WAITER, spoken]
Ah, bah, splendid

[PAUL, spoken]
Do I want the Malay duck?

[WAITER, spoken]
It is an unparalleled experience

[PAUL, spoken]
Done

[FRITZ, spoken]
I'm gonna go basic
A cheeseburger, medium
That's California medium
Only pink around the edges

[LEO, spoken]
Just bring the shit, will you?
We're starving!

[WAITER, spoken]
Ah, yes
Well, perhaps I should have mentioned

[LEO, spoken]
What?

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, sir, but
We're out of abalone omelettes
Although I have to say they are delicious
And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
But we don't

[LEO, spoken]
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium-

[WAITER]
Nor have we any hash
Never mind the curried goat
And wait, I made a note
Oh yes, the huevos-
Nada, sorry
Right, who had the duck?
You're out of luck

[PAUL, spoken]
F*ck

[WAITER]
As for the, blech, blood pudding
Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway

[MARIANNE, PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA, FRITZ & RAFFAEL, spoken]
What do you have? It's false advertising!
I want to talk to a manager! Let's go to another restaurant
I cannot eat in this condition!

[WAITER]
Oh
On behalf of the entire management and staff
And international consortium
That owns and operates the Café Everything
I can't apologize enough
I just may go and kill myself
That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself
I'd rather kill myself
Than have to tell you
We're completely out of food

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
How rude

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No?

[WAITER]
Of any kind

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Well, never mind

[WAITER]
I should have given you some warning
But it's been a very busy morning

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Then why the hell did you take our orders?

[WAITER, spoken]
Madam, that's my job
I'll go check on that water

[PAUL, spoken]
I thought he wanted to kill himself

[LEO, spoken]
Café Nada, they oughta call it

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Hey! Could you make that sparkling?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What in the world was that?

[FRITZ, spoken]
That was a gunshot

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Because I asked for sparkling?
Why don't we go to Bistro à la Mode?
It's French deconstructivist cuisine

[LEO, spoken]
Well, back to square one
Everybody into the car

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
So much for trying someplace new

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What is happening to decent restaurants?

[LEO]
If it isn't the food, it's the service

[FRITZ, spoken]
Didn't you hear?

[RAFFAEL]
If it isn't the noise, it's the queue

[FRITZ, spoken]
Are you insane?

[PAUL]
Or the backs of the chairs—

[LEO]
Or a waiter with airs—

[CLAUDIA]
Or the long flight of stairs
To the loo

[MARIANNE]
There's always something...

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to FRITZ]
You know, you're hot when you're angry

[FRITZ, spoken]
Forget it, Raffi
I've been gay since I was three

[A cell phone rings. They reach for their phones.]

[PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA & MARIANNE, spoken]
Ah, it's my assistant Is that mine? Is it me?

[FRITZ, spoken]
It's me, it's me, don't worry

[MARIANNE, spoken]
A boyfriend, I hope!

[FRITZ, spoken]
Do you mind?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
"PRADA" calling?
Sweetheart, you told me you're anti-fashion!

[FRITZ, spoken]
Anti-fascist
Anti-fascist

[RAFFAEL]
Did you know thеre's an extremist group of Lеfties in Moranda
Who call themselves—would you believe it?—PRADA

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Apocalypse here

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
They communicate only in code

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Yes, Inferno

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Their leader is known only as "Inferno"

[MARIANNE, spoken]
And they're named after a shoe?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No, PRADA stands for "People's"—

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Fifty million?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Revolutionary"—

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
By tonight?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Anti-Domination"

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Why?

[LEO, spoken]
"Assholes"

[PAUL, spoken]
"Assholes," really?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Army"

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
I know, I know, we can't delay the revolution...

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Are they dangerous?

[LEO, spoken]
You ever meet an asshole who wasn't?

[PAUL, spoken]
Hey, I'm an asshole

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Yeah, but sweetie, you're not dangerous

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Well, I do know a few rich assholes
But they're not gonna hand over fifty million

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to CLAUDIA]
I have to have you
Now

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
How do you want me?

[RAFFAEL]
The way I had you last Tuesday...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I love that way

[RAFFAEL]
I miss you every day—

[CLAUDIA]
Say it, say it—!

[RAFFAEL]
Every day—

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Okay, okay, okay

[RAFFAEL]
In my heart
In my mind
In my bed—

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
More

[RAFFAEL]
I miss the way you always give me
Comfort, courage, head...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Bite me

[RAFFAEL]
Oh, Claudia
I but murmur your name—

[RAFFAEL's cellphone rings.]

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Excuse me

[FRITZ, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
I'll do my best, Inferno

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce into phone]
Hello, Abdul

[FRITZ, spoken, into phone]
Nada but PRADA!

[To the others.]
Anybody want to donate fifty million bucks for a noble cause?

[LEO, spoken]
What's the cause?

[FRITZ, spoken]
The coming revolution

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, Fritzie, you are so cute!

[LEO]
What if it's the end of the world?
Hey, folks
Maybe it's the end of the world

[FRITZ, spoken]
Yeah, laugh

[RAFFAEL]
Maybe it's the end of the world
Indeed

[MARIANNE]
In that case
Buy this day for us, sweetheart
Buy this perfect day

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Agreed

[CLAUDIA]
End the world, okay
But this day
Let it stay!

[PAUL]
And as they say—

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Paul

[PAUL]
La vidida ay estada el tidada! Olé
La vidida ay estada el tidada!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
He needs food

[PAUL]
La vidida ay estada el tidada!
Right, Raffi?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Ordinarily, yes, life is a tit
Today, however...

[PAUL, spoken]
What?

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, "however" what?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
That was Abdul

[PAUL, spoken]
Is it the diplomatic pouch?
Did the Feds find the coke?

[FRITZ, spoken]
The coke? I love it

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
The pumpkins, yes

[RAFFAEL]
It seems the locusts have descended on the pumpkins

[PAUL, spoken]
Oh my God

[RAFFAEL]
We have to feed them lots of semolina

[PAUL, spoken]
Jesus Christ!

[LEO]
There's a ton of semolina in the silo
So relax

[RAFFAEL, spoken, offering cocaine from his pocket watch]
The pumpkin itself, however, is perfect

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Did he say locusts have descended on the pumpkins?
What does that mean?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
It's poetry
Almost
And voilà, here's Bistro à La Mode!

[LEO, spoken]
Everybody out of the car!

[FRITZ, spoken, into her phone]
Hello, Inferno?
That fifty mil is in the bag

[LEO, spoken]
So the food here is, what, German expressionist cuisine?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
French deconstructivist
That means nothing is what it seems

[Sobbing is heard from behind a curtain at the back.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I swear I hear someone crying

[LEO, spoken]
Why would somebody cry in a restaurant?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I've cried in many restaurants

[LEO]
Mesdames, monsieurs
Avant le mange
To crème brûlée—

[MARIANNE]
To duck à l'orange—

[PAUL]
To sole meunière—

[RAFFAEL]
To Camembert—

[CLAUDIA]
To—

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Bonjour

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Bienvenue to Bistro à la Mode

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I hate to ask, but could we have some water?

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Water? You want water?

[LEO, spoken]
Lemme get this straight
Nothing here is what it seems?

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Non, non, non, that is passé
Our new menu is post-déconstructif
Everything now is what it is

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
We have boeuf—
That is actual boeuf—
On the actual hoeuf
We have pigeon that's made out of pigeon
And a green salad
Made of just greens

[OFFSTAGE ENSEMBLE]
Ah

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
How is the pigeon prepared?

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
Does it matter?
What does anything matter?
It is what it is
Things are what they are
La vie est la vie

[LEO, spoken]
Okay. Everybody know what they want?

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
Do we know what we want?
Does anyone know what they want?
As soon as we know what we want
And find what we want
Life, she spits in our face
*Spits*

[PAUL, spoken]
Any specials?

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
Black bean soup
Blackened catfish
Blackbird pudding
Boudin noir
Black Sea blackberries
In a chocolate gateau

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Dark chocolate
Dark, dark, dark...

[LEO, sopken]
Chicken Basquaise, baby
That's what I want

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
Sometimes you want too much too soon—
And then it's too late
But what can you do
If that's on your plate?
You do what you can

[More crying.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What's going on back there?

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Nothing, nothing
C'est rien là

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Is that a private room?

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
It is nothing, really

[MARIANNE, spoken]
But I adore private rooms

[A body is revealed behind the curtain, laid out for a funeral.]

[CLAUDIA]
Oh
My
God

[ENSEMBLE]
Ah

[PAUL, spoken]
Philippe!

[ENSEMBLE]
Ah

[LEO, spoken]
That's Philippe?

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
That was Philippe

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, but he's just kidding, right?

[FRENCH WAITRESS, spoken]
Monsieur, he was French
He have no sense of humor

[FRENCH WAITRESS]
He was what he was
We are what we are
It is what it is
So, are we ready to order?

[LEO, spoken]
Back to square one

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Osteria Zeno is very close by

[LEO, spoken]
The closer the better. Everybody into the car!

[MARIANNE]
Such an afternoon!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Afternoon? It's almost suppertime!

[LEO, spoken]
Like they say: Later than we think

[PAUL, spoken]
Yeah

[MARIANNE]
I do adore afternoons
They're my favorite

[FRITZ, spoken]
What?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Favorite what?

[MARIANNE]
Favorite time of the day, darling

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Leave it alone

[PAUL]
Something's happening
Something very odd

[LEO, spoken]
Odder than the food situation in this town?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Okay, boys. Shall we talk semolina?

[PAUL, spoken]
"Sеmolina"?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Drug money

[PAUL, spoken]
Oh, that semolina...

[FRITZ, spoken]
Fifty million bucks or I tell thе Feds about your pumpkin cartel

[LEO, spoken]
What are you planning to do with fifty mil?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Destroy capitalism

[LEO, PAUL & RAFFAEL laugh.]

[PAUL, spoken]
Do we have that much in the, you know, the silo?

[FRITZ, spoken]
You wanna save your asses, fifty mil's the price

[LEO, spoken]
You can't dig into your trust fund for that?
Oh, I'm sorry
Did I say a dirty word?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Okay. I'm calling

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Gentlemen? Do we save ourselves and "destroy capitalism"?

[LEO, spoken]
Sounds like a bargain to me
Paul?
Raffi?
It's a deal!
You got robbed, kid

[MARIANNE & CLAUDIA]
What a perfect What a perfect day!

[PAUL]
Something's happening

[MARIANNE & CLAUDIA]
On a day like today
What could ever go wrong?

[PAUL]
Can't you feel it?
I can feel it
Something's going on...

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I know
It's like me blanking on this thing I was supposed to do

[PAUL]
Something doesn't fit
And I don't like it, not one bit

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
You know what's wrong, Mare?
You brain is on the fritz!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Ah, the sight of beautiful ladies laughing
And behold! Osteria Zeno!

[LEO, spoken]
Everybody out of the car!

[PAUL, spoken]
Check this out, guys
Antipasto, a bottle of good Chianti
Food at last!

[ITALIAN WAITER, spoken]
Buona sera! Benvenuti tutti all'Osteria Zeno!

[LEO, MARIANNE, CLAUDIA, PAUL, RAFFAEL & FRITZ, spoken]
Hooray!

[LEO]
Ladies and gents
Before we dine
Let us thank the Lord
For cheese and wine—

[MARIANNE]
For eggs and cream—

[CLAUDIA]
For bread and meat—

[PAUL]
For—

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good enough
Let's eat!
Before something bad happens

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
*Whistle*
This restaurant is closed by order of the U.S. Army!

[ITALIAN WAITER, spoken]
Goodbye
Yeah, we close now
Addio, ciao

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
What is all this?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
My unit's on the lookout for an international drug cartel

[PAUL, spoken]
A drug cartel? Really? Around here?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Colonel, these men are the people you're looking for

[SOLDIER, spoken]
The place is surrounded, sir. Should we move in?

[FRITZ]
Oh my God
That soldier—

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
That lieutenant—

[FRITZ]
—That lieutenant is so—

[MARIANNE]
Soulful

[CLAUDIA]
Gorgeous

[RAFFAEL]
Dreamy

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Funny you should say dreamy
You see, my soulful, gorgeous lieutenant had a fascinating dream last night
At ease, lieutenant
Tell us your dream

[SOLDIER]
I was in a café
Which looked somewhat like this
Sitting next to a girl
Who looked something like you
And she whispered her name
I've forgotten her name
But the name was like music—

[FRITZ, spoken]
"Fritz"

[SOLDIER, spoken]
That was it!
That was it!

[SOLDIER]
And you and you were there
And you and you and you—
All wearing shrouds

[ITALIAN WAITER, spoken]
A shroud, anyonе? A shroud?

[SOLDIER]
And then I noticed that you'd all been dead for yеars

[ITALIAN WAITER, spoken]
A shroud, signora?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Shh!

[SOLDIER]
Except for the girl with a name like a rainbow...

[FRITZ, spoken]
"Fritz"

[SOLDIER]
Oh, my God!

[FRITZ]
Oh, my God!

[LEO, spoken]
That was it? That's the dream?

[SOLDIER]
Then my mother came in—

[PAUL, spoken]
Of course

[SOLDIER]
She was holding a sheep

[PAUL, spoken]
What else?

[SOLDIER]
And she said to me:

[SOLDIER'S MOTHER]
Honey, stop dreaming!

[SOLDIER]
So I started to wake
But the girl with the name
Took a hold of my hand and said—

[FRITZ]
"Never forget me"

[SOLDIER]
Though how could I forget her
When we never had met?
Then I looked in her eyes
And I thought:
Oh my God

[FRITZ]
Oh my God

[SOLDIER]
It's the end of the world
There is nothing but you
I've been looking for love all my life
I've no farther to go
I want only to be with you
Live with you
Die with you
That much I know
Then my mother came in

[PAUL, spoken]
Again?

[SOLDIER]
And I saw that the sheep was stuffed
And the sky was cloth
And the clouds were just paint
And the food was just rubber...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
He's right! It is rubber!

[LEO, spoken]
This isn't wine, it's goddamn cherry soda!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
It's too bad
I was rather enjoying the Brie

[SOLDIER]
Then a curtain went up
And I realized we were all in a play
On a stage
In a theater

[The house lights suddenly turn on with a thunk.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Who are those people?

[LEO, spoken]
What the f*ck?

[PAUL, spoken]
I don't know my lines

[SOLDIER]
Then I looked in her eyes
And I thought:
If it's only a play—

[FRITZ]
Oh my God
Oh my God, oh my God

[SOLDIER]
—Still, it's given me you

[FRITZ]
Oh my God

[SOLDIER]
I've been looking so long...

[FRITZ]
This is not what I need—

[SOLDIER]
You are all that I need—

[FRITZ]
Not yet—

[SOLDIER]
In my life—

[FRITZ]
Not now

[SOLDIER]
Only you—

[FRITZ & SOLDIER]
I don't have any room
In my life— And me—

[SOLDIER]
For now—

[FRITZ]
For this—
For you—

[SOLDIER & FRITZ]
Forever!
All I need is to be with you
Live with you
Die with you I've got
That much I know Too much to do

[FRITZ]
There's just not enough time—
Then I look in your eyes
And I think, "Holy crap
It's the end of the—"

[SOLDIER]
Then a train passed through

[A train passes through.]

[SOLDIER]
And I suddenly knew
It was not just the end of the world
But the end of the play

[SOLDIER, spoken]
And the end of my dream

[FRITZ]
Oh my God
Oh my God

[LEO, spoken]
Everybody into the car!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Did you leave a tip?

[LEO, spoken]
Here's a tip
Don't serve fake food

[LEO]
If it isn't the food—

[CLAUDIA]
If it is—

[MARIANNE]
It's always something

[FRITZ, spoken]
Will we always be together?
Forever?

[SOLDIER, spoken]
Forever is not long enough

[FRITZ]
What a perfect day

[FRITZ & SOLDIER laugh.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Ah, young love, and it's springtime!
Almost
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Leo. Oh, Leo!

[LEO, spoken]
Yes

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Darling, I've got it
The thing I was supposed to do today
No, I don't
I had it

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Almost

[LEO, spoken]
Raffi, is this one hell of a creature here?
Am I the luckiest bastard in the whole widе world?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
What bastard would not be, with such a wife?

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to MARIANNE]
I have to have you

[MARIANNE, spoken]
You know where I like spring the best?
Versailles
I know, April, yes, in Paris, but Versailles—

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
God, you are so hot

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, Raffi, really—

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne
Don't you know that you are Versailles
To me?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Raffi—

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne
My municipal rose

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Municipal?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Munificent...
Magnificent...

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne
I've known women before you
But the way I adore you—

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Please, this is very inconvenient

[RAFFAEL]
Do I bore you?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Well...

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
I was joking

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne
Don't you know this is do or die
To me?
Marianne
My inedible rose...

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Inedible?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Incredible! Incredible!

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne
Won't you give me a chance?
I can tell at a glance
You are everything France—
God, you are so hot—

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Raffi—!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
I mean French
I have to have you

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Do you really, Raffi?

[LEO, spoken]
So, Raffi—

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Oh, later, Leo
I'm seducing your wife

[RAFFAEL]
Marianne

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Oh, look, here's the embassy!

[LEO, spoken]
Hey, what happened to Armageddon, Fritz?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Armageddon...
Oh, my God
The revolution!
Where's my phone?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
All is well at the embassy, Windsor?

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Tip-top, sir
But there's a gentleman to see you

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
What kind of gentleman?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Peace be unto this house!
And peace be unto all of you, my brothers and sisters
Peace and harmony and abundance—

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Um, I'm very sorry—Bishop, is it?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Yep

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
We were just headed to dinner

[BISHOP, spoken]
Okay

[MARIANNE]
Oh, no, no, wait, I've never met a bishop!
But aren't you supposed to be clad in radiant scarlet?

[BISHOP]
Scarlet is higher
I love your slippers, by the way
Rrr rrr rrr rrr rrr
Very fetching

[LEO, spoken]
Maybe another time, Your Holiness—?

[BISHOP, spoken]
This won't take a second

[BISHOP]
Pre-poured martinis

[BISHOP, spoken]
Wonderful!
Please, stay near, my child
This may relate to you
Now, does anybody here have any
Spiritual needs?
Spiritual needs?
Anyone?

[LEO, spoken]
No

[BISHOP, spoken]
Well, do any of you think about the
Meaning of life?
Meaning of life?
Any of you?
Good. Anybody else?
Meaning of life? God? Death?
Anyone for purgatory?
Now those shoes are cute
Are they Fendi?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Bishop—please—how can we help you?
Practically

[BISHOP]
Well, I could use a job
You could give me a job
I'm a terrible priest
No, I'm in the wrong job
I keep spilling the wine
I keep crumbling the wafers
I have no charisma

In the middle of Mass
All I think is: My miter
Should be tighter
I mean, why a bishop?
Why not an anarchist?
Why not a bartender?
I could be anything!
Why a bishop?

Don't get me wrong
I love the Church
And I don't only mean the clothes
I mean the statues and the windows
And the rows of yearning people
And the special parking
And oh, the music—!
What else to call it but "divine?"
And then of course, there's God

Don't get me wrong
I love my God
Though I don't always understand Him
Or agree
Like, do we really need the droughts?
And the floods?
And the plagues?
And the earthquakes?
And the universal suffering and—
See?
Does that sound like a priest?
Oh, those slippers, really fetching (Ruff)

Now if I were a cook
I'm not bad as a cook
I could work as a cook
In a nice country house—

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Darling?

[BISHOP]
—With a fabulous terrace—

[LEO, spoken]
We have a cook

[BISHOP]
Where they could use a gardener

[MARIANNE, spoken]
You're a gardener, too?

[BISHOP]
I could learn

[LEO, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Wouldn't anybody like to have their windows washed?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their sinks repaired?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their faith restored?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their lives renewed?

[PAUL, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their anything anything?

[COLONEL MARTIN, CLAUDI, RAFFAEL & PAUL, spoken]
No!

[BISHOP]
All I want is a job
Where I'd be of some use
Where I'd know who I was
Where I'd make people feel that they matter
Although none of us does—
In the big picture, I mean...
Something different, at least
God knows
I'm a terrible priest
And if anyone should know
God knows, it's God

[A distant gunshot is heard.]

[PAUL, spoken]
What was that?

[LEO, spoken]
Maybe another waiter

[FRITZ, spoken]
That was the sound of the revolution

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
That was the sound of the city

[CLAUDIA]
If it's not some alarm
It's a backfire

[LEO]
Either that or the blatt
Of a horn

[RAFFAEL]
It's but one of the joys
Of the city: the noise—

[WINDSOR]
Sir, as sure as the day I was born
That was a shot

[All spoken voices overlapping.]

[FRITZ, spoken]
Listen! The revolution is starting!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
How exciting! Let's go see!

[PAUL, spoken]
Maybe it was a gunshot...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
A gunshot in this neighborhood?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Absolutely absurd!

[LEO, spoken]
It's the city, what's the big deal?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
I think I know what a gunshot sounds like

[BISHOP, spoken]
My Lord, how terrible—!

[SOLDIER, spoken]
But Fritz, who cares what it was!

[PAUL]
I told you—
Something's happening
Something's going on...

[FRITZ, spoken]
Come on, Inferno. Come on!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, it's not the end of the world, Fritzie!

[FRITZ, spoken]
This time it is!

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Dinner is served!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Oh! Food!

[LEO]
Ladies and gents
Let's do it fast
We thank you, Lord
For food at last—

[PAUL]
And just to make the day complete:
To you—

[BISHOP]
To you—

[CLAUDIA]
To you—

[MARIANNE]
To you—

[LEO]
To you—

[RAFFAEL]
To you—

[COLONEL MARTIN]
To you—

[SOLDIER]
To you—

[WINDSOR's cellphone rings.]

[WINDSOR, spoken, sotto voce into his phone]
Inferno here

[FRITZ, spoken]
You? You're Inferno?

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Bon appetit, Apocalypse
Do enjoy your evening

[LEO, spoken]
Let's eat!

[ALL EXCEPT FRITZ]
What a perfect day!

[Sirens and gunfire followed by a large explosion.]

[Instrumental]

[LEO burps loudly.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Do I hear music?

[LEO, spoken]
Must've eaten something

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I wonder what the kids are up to

[PAUL, spoken]
You calling them?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
No, just surfing

[FRITZ, spoken]
Hey. Hey, you. What's going on out there?

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Patience, Apocalypse
All will be revealed

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Is my hair a horror?

[LEO burps.]

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Not at all, it's beautiful

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, stop

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
What you're playing, that is beautiful

[BISHOP, spoken]
Really?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Christ!

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to MARIANNE]
I have to have you
Now, more than ever

[LEO burps.]

[WINDSOR, spoken]
A digestif—sir?

[LEO, spoken]
No, thanks

[FRITZ, spoken]
Over here, pal

[PAUL]
I have to say
I didn't think
The carrots had much lilt

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Oh, you always say that

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Isn't it wonderful to be doing something different for a change?

[RAFFAEL, spoken, sotto voce to MARIANNE]
I have to have you
Now, more than ever

[LEO burps.]

[WINDSOR, spoken]
A digestif—sir?

[LEO, spoken]
No, thanks

[FRITZ, spoken]
Over here, pal

[PAUL]
I have to say
I didn't think
The carrots had much lilt

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Oh, you always say that

[MARIANNE]
Isn't it wonderful to be doing something different for a change?

[LEO]
You know, I've eaten a carrot every—
*Burp*
Day for forty—
*Burp*
Years—Jesus, what is this?

[PAUL]
I have nothing but praise
For the beef Bordelaise
But she f*cked up the glaze
On the peas

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, please
Peas, peas, peas, who cares?
Here we are in Eden

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
And then some

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Oh, I love this expression. "And then some"
Did you have fun? And then some!
Was it good? Oh, and then some!
People tell me less is more
I say, no. More is more. And then some!

[MARIANNE]
Are we not blessed?

[PAUL, spoken]
Oversalted, that's the problem

[MARIANNE]
We should all feel blessed

[LEO, spoken]
All I feel is bloated

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
All I feel is bloated

[MARIANNE]
Blessed with this—
Blessed with these—
Blessed with carpets, cushions, flowers—
All this beauty that is ours
All these books!
All these polished leather books!
I don't mean to read—
No, no, not to read
No, I mean the way it looks!

[FRITZ, spoken]
Not that we want to be superficial

[MARIANNE]
I like things to shine—
Shoot me
I likе things to glow
Why can't I be free
To like what I see
And not what I know?

I'd like to livе life, all my life
In this room
In this gorgeous, goddamn room—
I don't mean in this room
But I mean in this room
With these textures and these surfaces
All these touchy-feely surfaces—
Oh, goodness me, how superficial
Well, what's wrong with superficial?
I want things to shine—
Hit me
Is that so bizarre?
I want things to gleam
To be what they seem
And not what they are
Call me...

[LEO, spoken]
Bourgeoir?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Bourgeois, for God's sake

[MARIANNE]
I don't need to read between the lines
The lines are just fine—
As long as they shine
Give me what shines!
Give me—

[LEO, spoken]
Hold it! *Burp*

[MARIANNE]
This

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Well, mimis amichichis, it has been a lovely day—
And evening—
But now I must wish you all a fond goodnight
Windsor, the door please
And for now—adidio!

[PAUL, spoken]
It was lovely, Raffi

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Perfect! And who cares about the meal, anyway?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
'Til Tuesday at two!
Your Holiness?

[BISHOP, spoken]
A truly joyful evening
God bless you, sir

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Time, Leo

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, yeah
Back to square one

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, must he say that all the time?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Back to barracks, Lieutenant

[SOLDIER, spoken]
Fritz? One final look at the stars?

[FRITZ, spoken]
If they're still there

[The guests all stop short at the room's portal and turn back.]

[MARIANNE]
Such a gorgeous room...

[CLAUDIA]
Maybe just one more drink...

[LEO]
It's not really that late...

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No, no, no, no, no, really!
I, I must insist
Into the night with you, per favavere!
And for now, adidio!
[Again the guests stop short of the threshold and turn back.]

[MARIANNE]
Will you look at these books?...

[PAUL]
It's the shank of the evening...

[CLAUDIA & LEO]
I've got nothing to do in the morning... One more burp...

[FRITZ]
What's the rush, Raffi?

[COLONEL MARTIN]
Maybe just one more brandy...

[PAUL, spoken]
Hey! Why don't we just spend the night?

[LEO, spoken]
That's a fantastic idea!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Absolutely
[RAFFAEL, spoken]
You're joking

[CLAUDIA]
We can stay right in here!

[MARIANNE]
It will be an adventure!

[LEO, spoken]
We can stay right in here!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
And I'm already in my nightie!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Really, no! Amichichis! You cannot be serious!

[LEO]
Dibs on the couch!
C'mon, babe, you and me on the couch...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I'll take the armchair

[PAUL, spoken]
I'm fine on the floor

[FRITZ]
I'm fine in your arms...

[RAFFAEL]
But Claudia, what about your children?

[CLAUDIA]
What about them?
We'll call
They'll be fine
Shiva's watching them

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Shiva?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
The nanny, not the god

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Raffi, you stay too

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Absurdo. No!—
Why not?
To sleep in a room full of beautiful women?
This is Utopia!

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Good night, Your Excellency

[LEO]
Ladies and gents
Before "Lights out"
Goodnight
Sleep tight

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Nightie-night, all

[SOLDIER, spoken]
So, Fritz
Our first night together

[FRITZ, spoken]
Maybe our last
The last for everybody...

[We hear a distant explosion.]

[SOLDIER & FRITZ]
It's the end of the world!

[SOLDIER]
Yes, I know—

[FRITZ]
No, the actual end of the world!

[Another distant explosion.]

[SOLDIER]
Sounds like fireworks—

[FRITZ, spoken]
What am I doing here?

[SOLDIER]
Why are there fireworks?

[FRITZ, spoken]
It's Judgment Day
Chaos
Barricades

[Another distant explosion.]

[SOLDIER, spoken]
Let's go up on the terrace and watch

[FRITZ]
I sort of like it right here

[SOLDIER]
You do?

[FRITZ]
Don't you?
I sort of like where we are

[SOLDIER]
Me, too
[FRITZ]
You do?

[SOLDIER]
I like wherever you are
I want to be wherever you are
I want to like whatever you like—
Know what you know—
See what you see
I want to get inside of you

[FRITZ, spoken]
So let's go in the closet and f*ck!

[SOLDIER, spoken]
Yes!
We can make love and then kill ourselves

[FRITZ, spoken]
Why don't we see how the sex goes first?

[SOLDIER, spoken]
You are infinite!

[SOLDIER]
Is this just one of my dreams—?
Only a dream—?
I'm something of a dreamer

[FRITZ, spoken]
Yes, I've noticed

[SOLDIER]
But this is too surreal to be a dream

[MARIANNE wakes up in the middle of the night.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What was it?
What in the world was that thing I was supposed to do today?
It's still there, still floating, just out of reach...
Come on, think, Marianne
Think, think, think
Oh, well
I guess it's just gone
Poof!
And..
Poof!
And...
Go to sleep, Marianne

[A BEAR enters the room. MARIANNE doesn't notice.]

The thing is
There have been so many moments in my life
So many wonderful, beautiful, incandescent moments
Where I thought
I am going to remember this forever
And now I can't remember a single one of them...
Oh, well
Too late
They're gone
Sigh
And a deeper sigh
And—

[MARIANNE sees the BEAR.]

God!
Who are you?

[MARIANNE dances with the BEAR.]

Rеmember this, Marianne

[MARIANNE]
Rеmember this
And
Let it stay
Just this way
Forever

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Yes, yes
I will remember this
And who knows
Maybe I can do still do that other thing

[MARIANNE]
That maddening mysterious thing

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Whatever it was

[MARIANNE]
Tomorrow...

[BISHOP, spoken]
That's funny
The piano died
Look at that, nothing
Not a note, not even a whisper
Ah, well
Rest in peace...

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen
Has anyone in this room noticed anything unusual?

[LEO, spoken]
What do you mean, unusual?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Nobody has gone out of here this morning! Or last night!
We have all stayed right here in this very room
I put it to you, I say that nobody has left this room, because we can't!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I just got a little frisson

[LEO, spoken]
Woah
Woah, woah, woah
My phone is dead

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
My phone is dead
Oh my God, my phone is dead!

[LEO, spoken]
Gah!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, very funny, Leo

[LEO, spoken]
Gah!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No, I do not think he is joking

[PAUL, spoken]
Give him some brandy, Windsor
Well, come on, asshole, give him some goddamn brandy!

[WINDSOR, spoken]
Actually, under the circumstances—
I don't gotta do nothin'!
Stuff it up your ass
And by the way, the name is Inferno
I am Inferno!

[We hear a distant explosion.]

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
What was that?

[FRITZ, spoken]
I told you. It's the end of the world

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Yes, but today?
Colonel, if it's the end of the world, what do we do?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Traditionally, Mrs. Brink, there are no options

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
It's not as if we are under some kind of curse here, or a magic spell
This is not a sorcerer's castle

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
You're the one who got us into this
You brought us into this trap!

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
By opening my doors to you? You were all delighted!

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, delighted until I got stomach poisoning!
Now I'm sweating like a pig here and I can't leave?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
We could die in here thanks to you!

[BISHOP, spoken]
What day is it today? Is it Thursday?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Is it important?
I'm hungry

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
There's got to be a solution
Some way out of here
We haven't all gone crazy!

[PAUL, spoken]
What are you doing?
Honey?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I'm, I'm calling the kids
Joshua! Abby!
Oh, come to the phone!
It's me, it's Mom!

[PAUL, spoken]
Claudia...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I miss you so much, so, so much...

[PAUL, spoken]
Claude, your phone is dead

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
What if they are, too?
How would we know?
Where is everybody?
Why doesn't somebody come for us?

[LEO, spoken]
Can I have some water, please?

[BISHOP, spoken]
There's nothing left in the vase
All out

[PAUL, spoken]
There's no water?

[FRITZ, spoken]
Well, Kommandant
People are thirsty in here
What are you doing about it?

[FRITZ & COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Water! Water! Water! I'm sorry! I can't help you!

[FRITZ, spoken]
You're telling me

[ALL, spoken]
Water! Water! Water!

[COLONEL MARTIN & EVERYONE ELSE, spoken]
We cannot panic! Water! Water!
There is nothing worse than panic! Water! Water!
Please! Listen to me! Water! Water!
This situation can't go on indefinitely! Water! Water!

[MCGOGG THE MAID strikes the wall with the BISHOP's golden crozier, and water sprays out of the wall.]

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Ha, ha, ha! What did I tell you?
Life is good, mimis amichichis!
La vidida ay estada el tidada!

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Form a line, form a line!
One at a time, please!

[While everyone else is asleep, MARIANNE finds the BISHOP in a corner, nibbling on something, a lit candle by his side.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What are you eating?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Just a little midnight snack

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Popcorn?

[BISHOP, spoken]
No, it's paper

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Paper. Really...

[BISHOP, spoken]
Here we have this magnificent library
A feast!
It's good, try some
It'll fool your stomach, anyway

[MARIANNE tries a bit.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
That's actually quite tasty

[BISHOP, spoken]
This is A Tale of Two Cities

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Oh, I love A Tale of Two Cities
May I?

[MARIANNE rips out a whole page and eats it.]

[BISHOP, spoken]
The classics
Always nourishing—
Now literally so

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Can I tell you a secret?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Of course

[MARIANNE, spoken]
It's my birthday

[BISHOP, spoken]
Today?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Or somewhere around my birthday...

[BISHOP, spoken]
Mazel tov!
But why is that a secret?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Leo never remembers...
But isn't that a sign?
Father-here we are, all togеther
Lots of time on our hands
This should be our chancе to dig in!
To talk about real things
Important things!
Existence! The meaning of life!
Isn't that why you came to the door?
To discuss just that?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Yes, but...
The meaning of life?
Not that that's not important...

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Okay, so maybe not the meaning of life
What is... I don't know...
Being, for example
According to the experts?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Being...

[MARIANNE & BISHOP, spoken]
Well, philosophically Yes

[BISHOP, spoken]
Hmm
Um

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What's the matter?

[BISHOP, spoken]
If I explain being, will you let me hold your shoes?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Of course!

[MARIANNE takes off her slippers and gives them to BISHOP.]

There you are
Go ahead, Father
I'm all agog

[BISHOP, spoken]
Yes. Being. Well
Uh, first of all—
You might say—
We're here
Actually here
On Earth
Most likely
Though perhaps not
As are other people
And also objects—
Like these beautiful satin slippers

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Yes? And?

[BISHOP, spoken]
And that means something
That we're here
We mean something, apparently
We're what you might call
Matter that matters
Or not, depending on who you read
So, we're here for a time
On, possibly, Earth
With these very soft satin slippers
And other people, etcetera
And we live our lives
And then we die
And spend eternity with God—
Or go to hell
If there happens to be one
Or else we pass into complete nothingness
A total void
Forever and ever
That we're actually unaware of
Because we're not here anymore
The End

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I really enjoyed that
What a world, hmm?
With Being, and everything

[BISHOP gives back MARIANNE's slippers.]

[BISHOP, spoken]
Thank you for these slippers
Quite inspiring

[It begins to snow in the room.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
And look at that—snow

[BISHOP, spoken]
Yes, or manna

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Manna!
Without us even having ordered it!

[BISHOP, spoken]
Supposedly that's how it works

[BISHOP checks one on his hand.]

No
Definitely snow

[MARIANNE, spoken]
So—just to be clear—
If all of that is "Being"
What are we supposed to do about it?

[BISHOP, spoken]
I suppose—
Be here
Until we're not

[MARIANNE, spoken]
To be continued

[BISHOP, spoken]
Exactly!
"To be"... continued
Until otherwise notified

[MARIANNE, spoken]
No, I meant—
Well, maybe I did mean that
Thank you, Father
Nightie-night

[BISHOP sets the candle on a book like a birthday cake.]

[BISHOP, spoken]
Oh, Mrs. Brink...
Happy birthday
Make a wish

[MARIANNE blows out the candle.]

[FRITZ, spoken]
How did we get here, anyway?
Can somebody tell me where we went wrong?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Brunch
That was the fatal mistake, as always

[PAUL, spoken]
No
The funeral at à La Mode
We shoulda have turned back then

[FRITZ, spoken]
Maybe if we didn't go to Zeno's...

[SOLDIER, spoken]
We met at Zeno's

[FRITZ, spoken]
I'm factoring that in

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No, no, no, no
Coming here, to the embassy
This was the tragic error!
And you know what the ancients did in such dilemmas
They appeased the gods!

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I'll appease the gods!

[PAUL, spoken]
But how?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
A scapegoat must give up his own life to save the others!
I will be the victim
I will be the goat
Now, if you will excuse me to the bathroom with this pistol—
Adidio!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
No, Raffi—wait
Don't move
Everybody, stay exactly where you are
It's sort of wonderful
Look!
Right now we're all exactly where we were that night!
Just before we decided to stay
We're at Square One!

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
What difference does any of this make?

[A sudden crash of piano keys.]

[BISHOP, spoken]
The piano! It's playing!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Who spoke first?
Try to remember
Raffi, you said something

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Mimis amichichis, it has been a lovely day—
And evening—
But I must wish you all a fond goodnight
And for now—adidio!"

[PAUL, spoken]
"It was lovely, Raffi"

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
"Perfect! And who cares about the meal, anyway?"

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
"Your Holiness?"

[BISHOP, spoken]
"A truly joyful evening
God bless you, sir"

[MARIANNE, spoken]
"Time, Leo"
Leo, that's you

[LEO, spoken]
"Well—back to square one"

[MARIANNE, spoken]
"Oh, must he say that all the time?"

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
"Back to barracks, Lieutenant"

[SOLDIER, spoken]
"Fritz? One final look at the stars?"

[FRITZ, spoken]
"If they're still there"

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Let's go! Follow me, everyone!

[LEO, spoken]
We're out!

[All of their cellphones start to ring.]

[ALL, overlapping]
Hello?...
Hello?...
Yes, hello?...

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
It's Shiva! She says the kids are okay!

[BISHOP, spoken]
A miracle! A true miracle!

[FRITZ, spoken]
I don't hear any gunshots

[PAUL, spoken]
I don't hear anything

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Nothing

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Nothing is fine with me

[LEO, spoken]
Did all of that really happen?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Something must have happened
Look at us

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
*Whistle*
Ladies and gentlemen
This is your Department of Homeland Security signing off
Until further notice

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Excuse me, Colonel
"Further notice..."?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
Until further notice
Back to barracks, Lieutenant

[SOLDIER, spoken]
Listen, Fritz, I—

[FRITZ, spoken]
No apologies
I was in there, too
And hey—you said you wanted real life

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
On the double now, let's go!

[FRITZ, spoken]
Take care of yourself, Soldier

[The COLONEL and the SOLDIER exit.]

It's funny
I never did learn his name...

[BISHOP, spoken]
I really have to thank you all
Of course, it was pretty darn harrowing in there
But I know what I am now

[MARIANNE, spoken]
And what is that?

[BISHOP, spoken]
A priest
Just took a little practice
Go in peace, my children

[MARIANNE offers BISHOP her slippers.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Your Grace, a small donation

[BISHOP, spoken]
Your satin slippers?
Oh, God bless you, my child!

[BISHOP exits, tenderly holding her shoes.]

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
And Windsor, I want to say...
Where did he go?

[PAUL, spoken]
He's gone

[LEO, spoken]
Not quite
He's still out there somewhere

[MARIANNE, spoken]
But anyway—we're here
And it's a beautiful day

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Any day would be beautiful right now

[LEO, spoken]
Okay, so
Onwards, babe?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Honey?

[PAUL, spoken]
You bet

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Raffi?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
With pleasure

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Fritzie?

[FRITZ, spoken]
I don't think so
I've got a bunch of things to clean up
Like my life
Like my head
Like pretty much everything

[FRITZ exits.]

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Don't you be a stranger

[LEO, spoken]
Okay, well
Back to square one!

[FRITZ returns.]

[FRITZ, spoken]
Oh, what the hell!
La vidida ay la blah blah—whatever!

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Perfect
Now, where do we wanna eat?

[They continue along the road—but running now, running faster and faster, amid gunshots and explosions and what seems to be the end of the world.]

[Instrumental]