Unknown - Sellotape Pipers Lyrics

The Sellotape Pipers
(Margaret Stoddart)

Note: **Sellotape is the Scottish word for "Scotch Tape".

Wherever pipers gather
They will argue by the hour
On the merits of a Hardie,
A Sinclair or Kilgour.
They will criticize reeds, drones, and bags
Of every size and shape,
But this time we're going to criticize
The use of sellotape.

Now, don't bother to deny it!
You really must admit
That inside every pipe box
It's a part of standard kit.
All other musicians can
Only stand and gape
When the piper sets to work
With his wee roll of tape.

One well-known clarinetist often
Tells this tale with awe
About one of the strangest
Sights he ever saw --
A piper playing merrily
To set his feet a'tapping
With his chanter very obviously
Still inside a wrapping.

MacDonald's friends were sympathetic,
He had not played well.
"Man, Donnie," said MacAllistair,
"Your F was all to hell."
"I know! I know!" MacDonald cried,
and I could have gone to town,
But I had to give my wife my tape;
Her breeks were coming down."

And then there was the Irishman
Stood on the boards one day,
While judges waited patiently
For him to start to play.
"Yer Honours! I apologize,
But I think I'm out of luck.
I've put my tape on inside out
And both me hands are stuck."

And what of the composer
Of a most unusual reel?
For dealing with a sharp or flat
He really had no feel,
But fame came unexpectedly
When practicing "Duntroon,"
By the time he'd taped up all the holes,
He'd made a brand-new tune.

A piping judge was murdered
In revenge for wounded pride;
He was bound and he was gagged and
He was thrown into the Clyde.
But the poor demented murderer
Had no chance of escape
The detective played for Strathclyde Police
And recognized the tape.

So pipers tell the bagpipe trade
That from now on expect
That when you buy an instrument
Its pitch should be correct.
Why should your lovely music
Depend for its control
On that ever winding, ever binding,
Sticky little roll?