Tim Minchin - The Good Book Lyrics

Life is like an ocean voyage and our bodies are the ships
And without a moral compass we would all be cast adrift
So to keep us on our bearings the Lord gave us a gift
And like most gifts ya get it was a book

I only read one book but it's a Good Book don't you know
I act the way I act because the Good Book tells me so
If I want to know how to be good it's to the Good Book that I go
'Cause the Good Book is a book and it is good and it's a book

I know the Good Book's good because the Good Book says it's good
I know the Good Book knows it's good because a really Good Book would
You couldn't cook without a cookbook and I think it's understood
You can't be good without a Good Book
'Cause it is good and it's a book and it is good for cooking chook

I tried to read some other books but I soon gave up on that
The paragraphs ain't numbered and they complicate the facts
I can't read Harry Potter 'cause they're worshipping false gods and that
And Dumbledore's a poofter and that's bad 'cause it's not good

Morality is written there in simple white and black
I feel sorry for you heathens got to think about all that
Good is good and Evil's bad and goats are good and pigs are crap
You'll find which one is which in the Good Book 'cause it's good
And it's a book and it's a book

I had a cat she gave birth to a litter
The kittens were adorable and they made my family laugh
But as they grew they started misbehaving
So I drowned the little f*ckers in the bath
When the creatures in your care start being menaces
The answers can be found right there in Genesis
(Chapter six, verses five to seven, yee haw!)

Swing your partner by the hand
Have a baby if you can
But if the voices in your head
Say to sacrifice your kid
To satiate your loving God's
Fetish for dead baby blood
It's simple faith the book demands
So raise that knife up in your hands

Before the Good Book made us good there was no good way to know
If a thing was good or not that good or kind of touch and go
So God decided he'd give writing allegoric prose a go
And so he wrote a book and it was generally well-received

The Telegraph said, "This God is reminiscent of the Norse"
The Times said, "Kind of turgid, but I liked the bits with horses"
The Mail said "Lots of massacres" a violent tour de force
"If you only read one book this year,
Then this one is a book and it is good and it's a book, yee haw!"

Swing your daughter by the hand
But if she gets raped by a man
And refuses then to marry him
Stone her to death

If you just close your eyes and block your ears
To the accumulated knowledge of the last 2000 years
Then morally, guess what, you're off the hook
And thank Christ you only have to read one book

Just because the book's contents
Were written generations hence
By hairy desert-dwelling gents
Squatting in their dusty tents
Just because what heaven said
Was said before they'd leavened bread
Just cos Jesus couldn't read
Doesn't mean that we should need
When manipulating human genes
To alleviate pain or fight disease
When deciding whether it's wrong or right
To help the dying let go of life
Or to stop a pregnancy when it's
Just a tiny blastocyst
There's no reason that we should take a look
At any other book but the Good Book cos it is good and it's a book
And it's a book and it's quite good

Good is good and evil's bad and kids get killed when God gets mad
You'd better take a good look at the Good Book