Steve Poltz - Quarantine Blues Lyrics

One, two, a one two three

I baked a hundred loaves of bread
I Fell down on my head
I vacuumed till I sweated
Ate food that I regretted
I've sat near the fire
Wearin' questionable attire
I made new incision
To improve my circumcision
Ah yeah

My hair's unruly
And I learned to make tabbouleh
I've felt kinda groovy
I watched every single movie
You know I been depressed
I never even got dressed
I was feelin full of pity
So I joined a subcommittee
Uh huh

I learned the word abrogation
Tried to find a new vocation
Searched a whole skyscraper
Tryin' to steal some toilet paper
Made a bong out of a peach
Learned to brush my teeth with bleach
I prayed for a vaccine
I learned about hydroxychloroquine
Yeah

I was sittin' on the toilet
Tryin' to get some unemployment
And stayed in the bathroom
For a meeting on zoom
Forgot I wasn't wearing pants
I did a little dance
I was jiggling Down below
And everybody got a free show

I wore my sleeve on my heart
I found a new body part
I learned about Zinc sulphate
And how to meditate
I was naked in a cape
I tried to do some manscape
I lost a little bit of blood
But I still felt like a stud
Ah huh

I high fived a little kid
I thought I got Covid
Listened to Jerry Garcia
Made my own tortillas
Found a new cake mix
I checked my body for ticks
Got run over by a bus
And a tornado almost killed us
Ah yeah

I became unemployed
Started getting paranoid
I was eating a burrito
And got bit by a mosquito
Grew a garden full of cheer
I got cauliflower ear
I read all of Macbeth
And I learned how to cook meth
Yeah

I drew my curtains shut
I was actin' like a nut
Started growin' out my stubble
I been livin' in a bubble
Everything was unbearable
I started feeling terrible
Thought I should buy a gun
Instead I got a man bun

I gotta get some social distance
To help with my existence
Need some logical assistance
To a path of least resistance
I'm feeling undesirous
No one wants to hire us
I learned every song by Miley Cyrus
All about coronavirus

I'm a midnight lurker
I'm a least essential worker
You don't even have to ask
I'll use my undies for a mask
You know I understands
I gotta wash my hands
I might have worms
But I don't have demon sperms

I got stimulus check
But I feel like a wreck
I've become a decent cook
I read every single book
I might blast off
But I cover my cough
My pants are gettin' baggy
And I'm lookin kinda shaggy
Uh huh

Well, I'm the king of innuendo
I can make a big crescendo
You know I'd cut my hair
But I just don't care
Maybe I should join the navy
Give myself a shavy
Accidentally got a Covid kiss
I think I need an exorcist
Help

I don't really wanna butt in
But I'm feelin like a shut in
I been sweating in my body
And I'm feelin kinda snotty
I need a nurse I suppose
To shove a Q-Tip up my nose
I'm gettin' kinda grouchy
I'm in love with Dr. Fauci
Uh huh

I guess that I could steal a tank
Or maybe go and rob a bank
And get my arteries harden
Until I get a pardon
I don't need to wear shoes
I guess I'll hit snooze
I was born to lose
I got the quarantine blues

Yeah