Moving on (feat. Poet Jen Harris) Video (MV)

There is a particular fragrance to newborn depression
A scent on the wind that sparks the hint of a memory
You dread but cannot place
It's... disorienting
Like being haunted
Being hunted
Being hated
By everyone
Even when everyone is telling you they love you
You are completely alone
Every moment you don't want to be
And every moment you are
You are praying for a phone call
You can't answer
Lost, your voice
Lost, in the abyss
Losing time, lost in something you don't want to claim
But can't ignore
Sometimes you catch a glimmer of happiness
And try to live in that millisecond for the rest of your life
Just to feel the slightest warmth again
But the deep freeze of this hostile takeover overwhelms the mirage of your memory
And you recall the vanity of Being so unsatisfied in the everyday occurrences
Seems, now, like everyone else is always smiling, laughing at jokes
But you can't feel the anticipatory thrill of a punch line
Only punches that knock the wind out of you in random places like breakfast
Or
Birthday parties
You're subjected to wondering if you've shared years with many people who never really loved you
The chorus of their absence fills the cathedral of your broken state like a tsunami
An unpredictable blindsiding
A rapid disintegration
Into a state of being where the avalanche slows, but never stops
A period where you can't fake it no matter how much you want to
An occasion where you can't bench-press
The weight of anxiety
Your confidence suffering, sustaining significant damage
The cruel unpacking
In which Misery makes a home in you
Recovering, feels impossible
Like, forgiveness
Like, forgetting
Like, living

There are many ways in
And out of this darkness
The choice of an exit is yours
You, who is weary from struggling to survive
Had the sense to wait
For the strongest second wind
To set sail for healing shores
Throw yourself into escaping
You can make it out alive

You have done your best
And it was not always enough
But you do not deserve to suffer
You were trapped on a landscape of pain
But you have broken loose
Snd know now, as you run toward freedom
That when you throw your defenses to the wind
Be sure they're not being blown directly into the hands of your enemies
Trust should never be hard to earn
But nearly impossible to regain
You fill the cavernous impact of your perilous journey
With tea leaves
And therapy sessions
Long phone calls
Glittering surprises
And
Eyelashes dripping with laughter tears
You watch the disaster relief team find you on the border of catastrophe
And carry you to safety
Because you had just enough strength left
To raise a white flag and light a flare
All attempts to revisit the past for more than a brief lingering
Are futile
You will not be able to revive what once was
And anyone who dares say "I told you so"
In reflection of your wreckage
Does not understand the wild abandon of actually believing
Life can be better, even when it is impossibly the worst
Not all of us were meant to be cowboys, I suppose
It takes a brave soul to ride without spurs
But you did, and you'll do it again
If you have to
For the guts, for the glory
For those many days when nothing has ever been so perfect
You've come full circle and
Must choose the road not taken
All familiar paths are washed out and besides
The treachery is too familiar to be a challenge
It'd just be another year wasted in dedication to survival
This is the year you take everything personally
And demand a satisfactory answer
To all those dark dilemmas
That held you hostage
Now, you heal
Now, the pain fades
And eventually this will feel
Like staring into the fog
You forgive
You forget
You Live