Ryan Saylor - Erika Lyrics

It took me a long time to write this
Usually I like to write while the emotion is fresh
But for this I just couldn't
Maybe I still shouldn't
But I feel there's some thoughts I still need to work out with myself
So I'm taking these deep pains back off the shelf
It's been 321 days since you took your own life
But still even writing this I'm already starting to cry
Cause I still blame myself sometimes
Cause there's a lot of things I didn't tell you while you were alive
You were distancing yourself but I thought you'd be fine
I thought you'd come out of it and we'd catch up on the other side
I called you one night while I was out for a ride
And I thank God for that cause if I'd waited one more month to hit you up
I don't know if I could sleep at night
But I didn't know that was going to be the last time
Man what a legacy I left
You met me as a freshman
Overly obsessed with girls and
Trying to fit in
At least I showed you Iron Man
You hadn't seen it
And least I tried to comfort you
When you cried in the hall of Palmitas
But now as I sit down alone with my feelings
I don't even know where to start
In no way do I want to glorify your death
I severely hate the way that you left
It fills me with so much pain in my chest
At least I know now you're finally at rest
I know you're in heaven
Externally praising
I know you believed
You loved God like crazy
You always prayed "Hey God"
Your faith was amazing
Did you really have to take those pills?
All I'm saying
Is no one loves like you
And the incoming freshman only know of you
I wanted them to meet you
I wanted them to meet you
A memory popped up on my feed the other day
It was that image you shared where your dad said "I over ate"
But he wrote i as the square root of negative one
Your sense of humor was lovely
You loved a good pun
I'm sorry if I offend someone
As I switch between cute memories and scary things
I'm torn between remembrance and mourning
It's a warring of how to express a ton
Of emotions
I'm daring
To be honest
I want to talk about your greatness
But the memories are tainted
Now that you're gone and
I can say you loved past tense
But I can't say you love currently
I can't you'll be a great friend
I can only say you were to me
I can't say you'll win
When I know that you lost
And I want to see you again
But I know that I'm not
Going to for many years
Unless I die early
But at least then we'll have all of eternity
And I can give you the hug I should have gave back then
And I can hold you in my arms and we'll both be free of sin
Erika sometimes I wish you weren't a part of my life
When "El Scorcho" comes on and my whole night
Is ruined as I just sit and cry
I love you so much
But I never told you while you were alive
That's why it's something so hard to write
And why I've been avoiding dealing with this for a long time
And maybe this is selfish of me
I could have used this time to preserve your memory
But instead I'm using it as some sort of therapy
But how can I write about you without acknowledging
Suicide
I hate when people just say you died
It's respectful but it's some kind of half-truth half-lie
There's this elephant in the room with these blazing red eyes
That glares and laughs when we can't talk right
Man I miss you more than I can ever say
And the fact that we lost you still hurts to this day
And the fact that you killed yourself is that extra bit of pain
And it takes all the good memories and it just leaves a stain
And I don't think I could write about you any other way
Cause losing you like this left me feeling betrayed
Cause you made every life better every single day
And now six feet under you lay
So I'm sorry if it hurts that I write in a way that your friends don't like
But I think it's best we talk about this now
So there's no next time
I don't want to wait and feel like I lied again
So listener, if you feel dark thoughts in your head
About razor blades and ropes and that you're better off dead
Or even if you just can't get up from your bed
Know that you're someone's Erika
Whatever you do don't praise me for this piece
I'm much too late
And it's easy to see
How I could have done more
And don't say that's the wrong mindset
I hate that people say "you shouldn't blame yourself"
But I know I've said that as well
So maybe I'm just hypocritical right now
I drive past your home town on my way back to mine
And sometimes I have to look away so I can fake being fine
Long enough that I don't break down and cry
And crash into someone else and take another life
I loved your smile
But now I can only wonder what it was hiding
But I'll see it in a while
With nothing behind it
I'm sorry for making this about me
When you deserve so much more
But maybe it's poetic because you'd make it about me
And leave your feelings at the door
You were so beautiful
And loving and caring
And kind and wonderful
And honest but carrying
A burden, an illness
That wasn't intended
I love you and I can't wait to see you again