Jamian - Curtain Shades Lyrics

I never wanted this in the first place but this is a result of my worst days
I'd rather not show my face and hide behind the curtain shades
No longer look at life the same, see myself the same
Caused myself a lot of pain
Cost my family lots of things, I'm paying for it in different ways
A lot of ways I put myself in chains
See my disgrace calling out for grace but living in every way in vain
In dismay, I'm ashamed
Don't know my name, I know myself too well all the same
These bloodstains will make you relive pain
Every day, living in the same sin from years ago
With consequences of this life, I choose to live on my own
A cleanse of my soul won't even give me hope
Numb to the pain but Lord knows I can't let it go
Make amends and push the ones I love away
I'm alone
Praying for the lost souls
Pray he spares my own
How am I supposed to be living it?
When all I'm doing is living in it
How can I be forgiven for this?
Lean and went in for the kiss
I'm went and led her to death
This life I'm living's a mess
Sometimes I wake to take my last breath
At times I cry until there's nothing left
I'm trying to live a life beyond that
Everybody is born a sinner
I'm reliving the past until this future I'm living in
To try to keep my sanity as I reminisce
These demons are one with me so I got to get militant
Suppose I'm hellbent on my hit list
Closed eyes twitch
My closet isn't just full of skeletons for the hell of it
Crying out God, it's flesh and blood I fight against and it's mine
I'm praying to God for freedom from myself and things inside
The cause of pain in my mind that stab myself in the side
Tell your eyes to check your backside
The blind leading the blind, your heart and soul ties lied
I'm on the wrong side
Penalty flag offsides
Paid off time, you can never ask for too much time
That quality time until it's time for their time
Want to step in my shoes, I'll shrink to your size
Get a shrink to read your mind, they'd say I'm losing my mind
Smile through my demise and read as it's written this guilt never subsides
So close the curtains
I envy me, I'm trying to build the strength to cast my burdens
Drowning with the bottle in this state of immersion
We hear there's life after death
I'd trade it for this one I'm enduring
Sleepwalking with my entourage
Call in hell storm and call it fire from heaven to start hellfire
Innocents in the crossfire
These two lives coincide, add one to the fire
Put your lighters to the sky for all the times you was tired
Never had the strength it required
No motivation could make me inspired for even my own desires
Took me denying the calling on my life to see purpose through his eyes
With the spirit of death killing me slowly
I'm on my way
Heaven or hell?
Well that's only for God to say
This time alone is preparation for what I became
Who I am negates when I wake
I'm losing my faith
You won't see but what my body portrays in plain sight
I see shadows come to life and question sight with no sight
In light of the events I'll probably tell you I'm fine
This is me saying my goodbyes to all the ones in my life
And the ones I'm hearing inside
Until the moment in time the other side of me dies
Your inner self and feel the pressure arise
Let the flame reignite