Ivor Biggun - John Thomas Allcock Lyrics

John Thomas Allcock
He lived north-east of Whitstable
He's got that certain something
That the girls find irresit-stible
He's a fine upstanding fella
And they say for what it's worth
His mother was frightened by a donkey
Six months before his birth
And when the midwife heaved him out
The first thing she could seize on
It wasn't his arm, it wasn't his leg
And I guess that that's the reason

Why...he's... the...
Man with the biggest plonker in the world
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled
It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch
And it's more when it's unfurled
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world

John Thomas Allcock
At school the kids all gathered 'round
And said "Please tell us what is that
Behind you, trailing on the ground?"
He said it was a python and
It had got the mumps
He stuck it in his ear and said
"I am a petrol pump"
He stuffed it down his wellies
And the teacher said "Now John
You'll have to stay behind when all the other kids have gone"

And that's what's known as Further Education
But you don't get a certificate for it

Because... he was... the one and only...
The man... the man... talkin' 'bout the man...
The man with the biggest plonker in the world
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled
It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch
And it's more when it's unfurled
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world

John Thomas Allcock
He grew up and he went to sea
Modelling for masts
And for chimneys for the admiralty
Then he got married and he had five kids
And it comes as no surprise
He's got a lovely wife
With a rather strange expression in her eyes

She just stands there and she goes baawaaagh...
And it hardly surprising because she's married to...
The one and only... the man... the one and only man...
A very extraordinary man...
The man with the biggest plonker in the world
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled
It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch
And it's more when it's unfurled
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world

John Thomas Allcock
He died, oh yes he did
And because of rigor mortis
They couldn't shut the coffin lid
And now he's up in heaven
And his kids are very proud
To see their daddies dongler
Dangling through the clouds
And when it's dark and midnight
You can hear the ladies sigh
And whisper when the ghost
Of old John Tom goes slithering by
Dragging his enormous equipment behind him

Because... they know... that he... is... the...
Man with the biggest plonker in the world
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled
It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch
And it's more when it's unfurled
He's the man with the biggest plonker
What an enormous stonker
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world