Hope I can trust myself to trust you
Hope I do my best to try to please you
You're so scary
When you say you're wary
And I wouldn't blame you if it was all too much to carry
I left the door unlocked so you could sneak in to wake me
And you slipped in beside me, wrapped your arms around me
But I'm still not sure that I was home
I heard you there
Ran fingers through your hair
But it still felt like I was alone
And I don't blame you for any of it
But if i didn't make it then it would exist anywhere
If I didn't say it then it'd be words we don't hear
And I don't want to be your stepping stone
Help you across then I'm left alone
Because that's the goddamned truth of the matter here
We can distract ourselves with love but the truth don't scatter, dear
And honestly, I guess I thought we already made the latter clear
I'm so flattered and I love our chatter, dear
But if it's not a ladder then all that love is just a pretty dagger
Fear
It's a motherf*cker, right?
How can I trust you to trust me
If you can't trust me to trust you, right?
Goodnight, sweet light fades tonight
Thought it was fight or flight
But we just closed our eyes
Hope I can trust myself to trust you
Hope I do my best to try to please you
You're so scary
When you say you're wary
And I wouldn't blame you if it was all too much to carry
(I have to repeat this mantra to myself
Tell myself that I do deserve this much kindness
This much happiness, this much hope
That it isn't all just too good to be true
It's so goddamned terrifying, in truth
I'm so used to reaching and longing
Grabbing at the ghost of joy, but this time
I reached out and found your hand had met mine)
And we could never take it back
No matter how far we get offtrack
But maybe we both got too much baggage to unpack
Oh, lady, please
Even when you're laying next to me
Even though your heart is on your sleeve
Your mind is still outside looking for freedom and reprieve
Oh, I see
Looking for love, looking for peace
Yeah, I know my weaknesses, but I called it from the beginning
Back when you said, "please don't leave me"
I mighta said aloud, "isn't that so sweet"
But I wrote that song that said, "you don't need me"
And I kept it to myself, so I'm proud of me
I knew I'd get gutted and I knew you would leave
But I knew that to heal you needed to believe
But then I lost the plot, started believing the story
Because that's all it ever f*cking really is, isn't it, my friend?
Just a story we tell ourselves to make it one more day towards the end
If this is all a test, man, I don't know how well I'm doin'
Because, yeah, I keep opening back up, but I don't know how long I can
It was so f*cking hard to talk myself into trusting you
But you were so f*cking sweet, so persuasive, I believed in you
And the very moment I lowered my shield, the snake struck out
The venom hit my veins, I marveled at the pain, saw all the black and I fell down
Hope I can trust myself to trust you
Hope I do my best to try to please you
(I'm suspicious of the universe right now
Because I've never felt this much light
The gentle goodness you show to me
Feels so foreign that it makes me cry sometimes)